The Big Fat Face
The biggest hint was, of course, Kate Middleton's big fat face. E! noted last Thursday that the Duchess, once prized for her shiny pelt and long snout (which she uses to rake the sea floor for prey), had recently seen her face swell to a thousand times the size of a normal human face. You couldn't take two steps in your wellies, guvnah, without bumping into Kate Middleton's face. Kate Middleton's face was forced to buy two seats on the plane. There were even rumors that her new bang hairdo was introduced to help distract the eye from the face quickly enveloping the rest of her body. If true: foolish. Like putting a couple strands of tinsel on a pumpkin and telling me it's Kate Middleton.
Exhibit A: Faaaaaaat (The picture on the left was taken on November 30th. The one on the right was taken before her face ate her face.)
Last week, the Daily Mirror reported a story about how Prince William, a search and rescue pilot with the Royal Air Force, had recently accepted from a well-wisher a baby onesie embroidered with the phrase "Daddy's Little Co-Pilot." Under normal circumstances, William would have thrown the homemade gift down on the ground, and spat and stomped upon it, snarling, "God is my co-pilot." However, because he and Kate Middleton are poor and cannot afford clothes for their baby, he handed the garment to his aide. Now, thank Co-Pilot, it will have one thing to wear.
Exhibit B: Ittle Bitty Baby Clothes
Unstoppable Cookie Monster Eating Every Cookie In Sight
"Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?" wonders the Daily Beast, above a photo of Kate Middleton politely munching a biscuit. "Kate did!" it answers, putting her on blast for thieving. Also pictured eating a cookie is Prince William, further fueling rumors that the two of them made a pregnancy pact to have babies at the same time so they could raise their kids together.
Who's sucking down desserts like it's her fucking job? Kate is!
Exhibit C: Is for Cookie; That's Good Enough for Kate
A Joker-Like Grin
The Examiner notes that Middleton has been smiling in public a lot lately, so goddamn smug about her perfect life. "Kate Middleton is known for always having a smile on her face," the exposé begins, "but during her last few appearances, she also appears to have even more of a twinkle in her eye." Either the Duchess got into the rum chocolates Prince William keeps hidden on the top shelf of the closet (the FIRST place you'd look to find something hidden, duh), or a sperm has fucked its way into an egg deep inside her body.
Exhibit D: Braces
Kate and the Amazing Technicolor Baby-Hiding Dreamcoat
One of the flashiest ways Kate sought to camouflage her nonexistent growing belly was by wearing clothes all the time. The Duchess was frequently snapped wearing outfits, ensembles, and even get-ups. The Stir noticed that she wore a coat (The Sweater of the Outdoors) indoors one time, leading them to speculate that she was "hiding something" like a baby or, perhaps, illegal fireworks. Better switch to belly shirts now, Kate. Your baby can't breathe!
Exhibit E: Maternity Wear
Security! Arrest This Man! Just Kidding — He's My Baby.
Finally, Us Weekly observed that country mice Will and Kate will soon leave behind life in their secluded cottage in Little West Bumblefuck, Wales for the Sex and the City flair of Kensington Palace in London. According to Us's source, concerns over Royal Baby Security (or R-aby-s) prompted the move.
Exhibit F: Bat Cave
In retrospect, it couldn't have been more obvious Kate Middleton was pregnant.
[Images via Getty]