There's unfortunate news coming out of L.A. this morning. Kim Kardashian wrote a tearful goodbye post to her little, Mercy, who died of stomach cancer earlier this week.
The cat's life only lasted for four months, which is about 50 days longer than Kim's 70-day marriage to Kris Humphries.
The cat was of course named after her beau Kanye West's summer jam "Mercy," where he compliments Kim with the line, "Plus, yo my bitch make your bitch look like Precious."
Her obituary for her beloved Mercy is a complicated weave of tears. Let us examine this modern Kardashian prose in great detail.
It is with deep sadness [and a chance to get some good PR,] that I have to tell you all that my kitten, Mercy, has passed away [ :( ]. My heart is completely broken ["Please feel bad for me."].
When I first got Mercy, I had never lived with a cat before and so I had no idea that I was allergic [How did you not know this?]. I thought that it might pass [Kim, that's not how allergies work], but after a few weeks I decided to go visit two separate allergists, one of whom said my allergies wouldn't get any better unless I started taking injections [Cat injections, which might have turned you into Cat Woman]. I had fallen SO in love with Mercy [passionate cat love] that I wanted to try everything I could to keep her, but I didn't think it was safe to resort to injections [The Cat Woman thing, remember?], and it wasn't fair on Mercy [because you got him without knowing you were allergic?], because I couldn't play with her or give her as much attention as I wanted to [Because she's busy terrorizing the Middle East]. Mercy deserved a mom who could really give her the time and affection she deserved [A responsible human being]. I knew that Sydney, Khloe's assistant, [The help] who had recently lost a cat she had loved and cared for for 17 years [Not a royal Kardashian Kat], would be the perfect mom for Mercy and Sydney was so excited to have Mercy as her own!
Sydney gave Mercy a loving home [Not at The Kardashian Kastle], but after a couple of weeks Mercy got really sick [Oh.] and Sydney had to rush her to the vet. They discovered she had a stomach problem that we weren't aware of [Probably because Kim didn't really take care of the cat]. Her stomach had filled with fluid and the doctor said she had a rare stomach cancer and that there was nothing we could do for her [The Kardashians don't cure cancer, yet...]. Poor little Mercy died the very next day. It broke not only my heart ["Please feel bad for me."] that little Mercy died at only four months old, but Sydney's too.
Mercy was a gentle and loving kitten and we are all going to miss her so much [Even though she gave her away]. Thanks to Sydney for making Mercy's short life one filled with love ["and getting that nasty thing away from me."]. RIP Mercy Xo ["Please share this post on your various social networks."]
[Photo via Instagram]