Everyone knows that after the sun sets on another sizzling Miami day is when things really start to heat up, dale.
Socialites trades their bikinis for white formal dress shorts. Celebrities drag themselves away from pool bars to celebrate art at parties. All the cool cats come out of hiding. All the mamis step forward to dale.
Last week, one cat emerged who was cooler than all the others. A stray tabby of unknown provenance, (s)he accompanied actress Demi Moore to hotspot the SoHo Beach House as her dinner date. The next day, (s)he was photographed with Paris Hilton who retweeted the duo's intentions to live together as friends (possibly more).
Who is this mystery cat? How did her relationship with Demi Moore contribute to the actress' latest break-up? Why is (s)he allowed in restaurants all of the time?
Read on for answers, dale.
Mystery Cat: The Mystery Facts
ALIASES: Mystery Cat, "SoHo"
SEX: "Yes, please!" jokes Mystery Cat. Unclear from photos, however, prevailing wisdom suggests that all cats are girls, especially kittens.
ETHNICITY: Gawker's in-house catographer confirms that Mystery Cat appears to a domestic short-haired ("common tabby" in the argot of the streets). Like many stunning supermodels, Mystery Cat is of mixed ancestry, dale.
WHENCE: Mystery Cat is a regular fixture at the SoHo Beach House in Miami, Florida. Owing to her fine table manners and the human voice she uses when she talks, some have speculated that she is a witch's familiar.
LANGUAGES: Es posible que Mystery Cat entiende un poco de español, porque ella vive en Miami; English.
STRENGTHS: Manipulative social climber, the softest ears, impeccable balance, can steal a baby's breath
WEAKNESSES: Possible drug problem (in photos, Mystery Cat appeared to sleep all through dinner with Demi), high risk of hip dysplasia, curiosity
A Date with De[sti]mi
Mystery Cat burst onto the Miami social scene like a cat from under the couch last Wednesday when, the New York Post reports, she wandered near the pool at a Chanel-sponsored party. Actress Demi Moore reportedly scooped the cat up and brought her along to a star-studded dinner, as any of us might with a stray cat we have never seen before. The starfucker remained in Moore's lap throughout the meal, but was chucked out before the party moved to A-Rod's beach mansion.
Commenters on the Post's website expressed outrage that Moore "ditched" the cat to hit up fancy celebrity after-parties that Mystery Cat probably would have loved to attend, had she not felt awkward inviting herself. People wondered where Demi left the cat (at the pool? on the steps of a church? in a boiling pan of water AKA "cat soup"?) and if the actress thought to feed her date before kicking her to the curb.
Even casual observers will note that the cat is, in all honesty, a little young for Demi.
"It's Either Me or Your Pussy, Demi"
The Post reports that Demi Moore's 26-year-old boyfriend, art collector Vito Schnabel dumped the actress in Miami after her flashy, erratic behavior (twerking at A-Rod's, bringing a cat to dinner, dale) shifted focus from his srz bznzz work researching non-toxic alternatives to chemotherapy I mean collecting art.
The SoHo Hilton
The day after Mystery Cat breezed in and out of Demi's life, like a clump of cat hair carried by the wind, she was photographed on the arm of socialite Paris Hilton. Hilton retweeted a photo of herself with Mystery Cat, along with a caption explaining that she had named the cat "SoHo" in accordance with the tradition of habitational surnames. The photo, uploaded by Paris' boyfriend, declared that he, Paris, and Nicky would be keeping Mystery Cat, though whether they intend to raise her as a servant or their own child is unknown at this time.
Can I Bring My Cat To A Restaurant in Miami?
According to Chapter 64E-11 of the Florida Department of Health's Administrative Code, "no live birds or animals except for crustacea, shellfish and fish in aquariums shall be allowed in a food service establishment, in vehicles used for transporting food or in any other area or facility used to conduct food service operations." Exceptions are made for service dogs (dale) and for cats that Demi Moore is dating.
UPDATE: Dori Cooperman, a random person with 10,000 Twitter followers, just wrote in to let us know that Mystery Cat (along with cat-burglars Nicky Hilton and Kanye West) flew out of Miami on a private plane owned by Jordache Jeans on Friday. What stars will come forth to kidnap Mystery Cat now that she's in New York?