We Must Drink More Milk, AmericaS

Today comes the most shocking and demoralizing report on the evolving taste of the American consumer since we discovered that kids these days are sellouts: Americans, it seems, now consider themselves to be "too good" to drink milk—despite clear evidence that it does a body good. Shall we just shoot mom and poison the apple pie next, to get it all over with?

I must admit to being taken by surprise by this development. I drink milk, and therefore I rightly assume that everyone does too, guzzling gallons of the good stuff, feeling its calciuming effects strengthening our bones even as we wipe its stray drops off of our mustaches, or, alternately, off of a model freshly emerged from a milk bath on the set of a Kanye West video. No matter how you take it, milk is an all-in-one beverage experience that turns boys to men and girls to women, healthy and strong and suggestive! There is nothing wrong with feeding your kids milk and also drinking milk all the time. It is a key ingredient in the Super Squats diet.

So what's the problem? The WSJ reports:

Per-capita U.S. milk consumption, which peaked around World War II, has fallen almost 30% since 1975, even as sales of yogurt, cheese and other dairy products have risen, according to U.S. Department of Agriculture statistics. The reasons include the rise in popularity of bottled waters and the concern of some consumers that milk is high in calories.

This is almost too much to bear. Let's address these points one by one.

1) Milk consumption peaked around WWII, which WE WON, do the math.
2) Yogurt comes from EUROPE—the very same place that we DEFEATED in WWII, when we were drinking milk. Do the math.
3) Bottled water is a scam.
4) Uhhh if milk didn't have calories it wouldn't be a very effective mass builder on the Super Squats program, now would it???

You can buy a quart of milk for like a buck fifty and get the same amount of protein as in two Muscle Milks, which would cost you like eight bucks, at bodega prices. What other food except for scavenged insects can offer you such a protein bang for your buck. Milk (along with peanuts) should be a staple of your diet, if you want to be big and strong like Popeye—spinach will NOT promote muscle growth as well as milk, so put that in your pipe and smoke it, "the Sailor Man."

Don't give up on yourself, America.

[WSJ. Photo: davidd/ Flickr]