Did anyone notice the moon flicker a deep blood red for, like, half a second last night? No big deal. That was just Katie Holmes switching bodies with her six year old daughter Suri Cruise.
Here is a rough timeline of the resulting evening, using details gleaned from "Katie Holmes Double-Fisted Champagne, Diet Coke at Broadway Dreams Foundation Gala" by Us Weekly.
6:30 p.m. Katie and Suri have a fight over whether or not Suri is allowed to drink soda. Suri asks if she can come to tonight's party, a Champagne Hootenanny to Benefit Carolers, and Katie tells her she cannot.
6:31 p.m. Suri stomps upstairs. Her cute, though perhaps age-inappropriate, high heeled shoes clackety-clack on the brownstone's wooden steps.
6:33 p.m. Katie studies her reflection in her town car's backseat window. She is tired and she feels old in a way she has never felt before. She would love nothing more than to skip the Broadway Dreams Foundation's "Champagne and Caroling Gala" and go to bed early, like her daughter.
6:34 p.m. "I wish I were Suri Cruise," thinks Katie.
6:34 p.m."I wish I were Alexia Wheaton," thinks Suri.
6:35 p.m. Both fall asleep.
7:00 p.m. The towncar arrives at the gala. "We're here, Ms. Holmes," the driver says. Suri wakes up in the backseat. She looks down at her hands. They are huge.
7:05 p.m. "Is this a dream?" Suri-as-Katie wonders aloud. "This whole life's a dream, kid," answers her mother's divorce attorney, Jonathan Wolfe. "Hold my hand!" Suri squeaks. "I don't know what's going on!"
"'Jonathan rarely left Katie's side,' an attendee tells Us Weekly."
7:15p.m. "I looooooove apple juuuuuuuuice!" yells Suri, guzzling down champagne. Her second glass? Her third? Who's counting?
"'Katie enjoyed two or three glasses of champagne...'"
8:15p.m."My mom NEVER lets me have soda!" explains Suri, to a table of mystified fans. She brandishes a can of Diet Coke in one hand and a champagne flute in the other. "I don't know which I love more, soda or juice! I wish they would get married. Haha, just kidding. Do you like my purple dress? Sodaaa!"
"'...by the latter half of the evening, she was double-fisting the champagne in one hand with a Diet Coke in the other,' the attendee says of the Dawson's Creek alum, who 'appeared to genuinely have a good time throughout the night.'"
9:00p.m. He sees you when you're sleeping, sing the carolers. Suri thinks they sound like angels. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. So be good for goodness sake.
9:01 p.m. "Oh my God," whispers Suri as she stares, wide-eyed and wild-eyed, at the wassailers. "He knows." She looks down at the can of forbidden Diet Coke in her hand. Her sixth of the night. Her blood feels like ants in the pants. She turns to her mother's divorce attorney Jonathan Wolfe and gestures at the carolers. "But, I mean, do you think he knows everything? Probably not, right? It's a lot of stuff."
"When the caroling began, the Ohio native 'was heavily engrossed in the performances,' according to the attendee."
9:15 p.m."We've gotta get out of here, Jonathan. NOW. And DON'T tell Santa what I did," whispers Suri. Her eyes narrow, through her champagne haze, into an approximation of angry slits.
"Holmes and her attorney left the gala just before 9:30 p.m."
10:00p.m."Ms. Holmes, we've arrived home." Katie Holmes jolts awake in the backseat of her car. She remembers nothing of the evening. "You were so bombed," her divorce attorney Jonathan Wolfe laughs.
10:05p.m. Katie Holmes opens Suri's bedroom door. Her daughter is asleep. "Have beautiful dreams, little pickpocket," Katie whispers. Then she wobbles into the master bedroom and falls asleep in her purple dress.
[Us Weekly // Images via Getty/WENN.com]