Fucking suck it, England. America is having its own baby now, with no help from anyone. Jenna Bush Hager confirmed the news by making awkward jokes about her pregnancy on the Today Show – the American equivalent of sending out a formal announcement from Buckingham Palace—this morning.
The child will be the first for Jenna and husband Henry Hager, whom she married in 2008. It will be the first non-secret grandchild for Laura and George W. Bush.
Because nothing on Today can ever be done in a normal way that leaves everyone feeling comfortable and relaxed, the news was revealed via a series of pre-planned spontaneous interruptions.
"Today contributing correspondent Jenna Bush Hager is here with some of the ways that we cele0-you know what, actually though, Jenna? I feel like we have a bigger story than that. Don't you? Do you have some news for us?"
Next an excited Jenna then to trip over herself in a carefully choreographed dance of words:
"I'm nervous and so excited to say that Henry and I are pregnant. Or, I'm pregnant."
As Savannah and Matt Lauer clapped for pregnant, Jenna's husband Henry Hager came out and presented his wife with what looked like a lovely array of funeral lilies and they both made stiff jokes about how he had "just picked them this morning." (Jenna dumped them on the table immediately.)
Then there was an awkward speakerphone call with George W. and Laura Bush. Jenna called her father "Popsicle" and said that he and her mother "actually have [her] cat right now" (?). Bush said he wants the baby to call him "Sir" or "Jefe," which he pronounced "Heffie." Jenna said she wants the baby to call him "Poncho." Everyone laughed at the funniness of words.
Then Jenna made a joke about how staged the call was and Matt's eyes shone completely black for a second because this brassy girl with the face of George Bush and the womb of Eve had just ruined the magic of television.
And then the segment ended. The baby will hit theatres this spring.