The American baby-naming crisis was already getting out of hand prior to this week, with names like Jaydien being thrown around by white trash parents who are actively trying to damage America's reputation. But now the problem is worsening. Yesterday, the people at BabyCenter—the site you go to when your child has glued his own nipples together and you need advice from parents who have experienced similar issues—unveiled their list of unusual baby names for 2012, names that were given to at least TWO children during the course of the year. The list is terrifying.
Not only are these names awful, but you can wade through this list and actually HEAR stupid people brainstorming these names. You can feel them straining to give them a child whose name will yield precisely one Google search result. You can listen to the English language screaming for help as these parents cobble together letters and syllables that have no place being near one another. These are not so much names as they are hideous mutations.
I say all this knowing that we live in a free society, and if you want to name your kid Hailo, well then more power to you. I know that children become their names, regardless of how silly those names may seem. You may snort when you hear the name Taco BM Monster (that's a real name), but then you meet Taco BM Monster and you're like, "Well, he couldn't be anyone but Taco BM Monster!" I know that there are any number of racial and economic undertones to making fun of people's names (as demonstrated here.). I also know that these are children we're talking about—sweet, innocent little creatures who perhaps don't deserve ridicule simply for having a name they didn't choose for themselves. I know all that. That said, some of these names are fucking terrible. Behold a mere sampling:
Ace - It's bad enough when people name a boy Ace. Ace the boy has long bangs and the world's most punchable face. Ace the girl is stuck with a name that screams out to the world, "Daddy wanted a boy, and he wanted that boy to be a fighter pilot."
Kaixin - (closes eyes) Wait wait, don't tell me. You're white, you're a Mormon, and you live in a cul-de-sac with your folks and your brother Kaixlee. Was I right? I was?! PSYCHIC.
Krittika - Also soon to be the name of a terrible Halle Berry film. (NOTE: Thanks to OleMissTarana for pointing out that Krittika is actually a fairly normal Indian name, which makes me horribly ignorant. I just assumed it was a couple who started out liking Brittany then morphed it into Krittany and then morphed it into Krittika. Don't tell me it can't happen.)
Thinn - Don't be fatt!
Yoga - Again, this is case of people just thinking of random, topical shit and then foisting it upon a child. Uhhh... QUINOA! Uhhh... PERRANO! Uhhh... ZUMBA! There will be 500,000 Zumbas born two years from now.
Zealand - It's a measure of how insane many of these name are that Zealand actually feels sedate. It could have been so much worse: Zealynd, Zeelynnd, Zzealynndanna. We're at the point now where the bastardizations are getting bastardized. People are taking the letter Y and abusing it to the point of shell shock. Poor Y. It wasn't built to handle this much overuse.
Aero - Again, you can feel the strain. "I want my son to be bold, and strong, and a leader! I got it: I'll name him THRUST." You aren't doing a child any favors by trying to ascribe qualities to him that aren't there yet. This is a child, not the launch of a new brand of soda.
Burger - Well now you're just stoned off your face.
Donathan - You can get away with giving a girl a shitty name more easily than a boy. If you're a girl named Donathan, everyone will call you Doni and you can explain the strange origins of your name to your date and it makes for a cute little moment while Taylor Swift warbles something horrible in the background. But people have to understand that a boy's name is an invitation to be shit on. Other boys will do ANYTHING to tear your little boy apart, to crush his confidence and leave him a sullen wreck, and the name is the first thing they latch onto. Oh, Donathan? You're a fucking moron. That's life for Donathan the boy.
Espn - The phenomenon of people naming their kid after ESPN isn't new. It's actually been going on for years now, which is what makes it so alarming. This name has roots now. This is a mainstay. A CLASSIC. Two years from now, it will give way to Espyn and nothing will make sense anymore.
Haven'T - Don'T.
Kix - Whatcha doing out in the night time?
Why'd ya callin' me on the phone?
Your mama can't solve your problems
When's daddy, ever get home?
"X" nearly gets as much overuse now as Y: Kix, Jax, Dax, Kax, Pexx, Wux, Qaxxax, etc. It really drives home the "I play lacrosse!" aspect of a kid's personality.
Pawk - Congrats! You're a sound effect.
Rysk - There are many bad names on this list, but this one—this horrible thing of a name—is the worst. It has everything: the strained manliness, the debased Y, the phenomenon of naming your kid a word instead of a name... It's brutal. Poor little Rysk Chambers. His parents apparently wanted to give birth to a superhero instead of a happy boy. Next time you want to name something Rysk, buy a boat.