The best thing about celebrities is that as long as at some point some charity somewhere gets money, they can still be bought and sold like common chattel. This is especially convenient around the holidays, when the awkward rich, flush with cash and scant of social skills, start itching to give one another elaborate gifts.
Here are the best ways you can force celebrities to interact with your friends this season:
"Enjoy a Glass of Wine with Kathie Lee and Hoda on the Set of TODAY in New York"
Description: "As special guests of TODAY, you and a guest will be treated to a behind-the-scenes viewing of the 4th Hour of the TODAY Show and enjoy a glass of wine with Kathie Lee and Hoda on the set. Have your photo taken with the ladies as a momento of your experience."
What to expect: Imagine you wake up one morning, excited to participate in Take Your Daughter(/ "Child") to Work Day with your mom. At the last minute, something comes up and she can no longer bring you. "No, problem," your glamorous aunt says, stutting into your kitchen with a silk pashmina tossed haphazardly around her kneck. "She can come to work with me."
Imagine you get to your aunt's job and the first thing she does is start drinking. By noon you're having to handle all her calls, and you don't even know about pressing 9 to dial out. "This is probably the greatest day of yourrrr life, little girl," your aunt says, as she stumbles off to the bathroom. "This is thaaaa Big Time. Call your father for me, I wanna talk to him."
A glass of wine at 9:45 a.m. with Kathie Lee and Hoda will probably be like that.
"Have Breakfast with Larry King in LA and Let Him Record Your Outgoing Voicemail Message"
Description: "Larry King takes breakfast very seriously. He and his "boys" are known to meet up first thing in the morning to start their day with lively conversation while they enjoy the most important meal of the day.
The winner of this package will get to join club at Larry's restaurant, The Original Brooklyn Water Bagel Company located in the heart of Beverly Hills, CA!
Larry King is regarded as one of the most famous personalities in television history. You will have the opportunity to talk about your favorite interviews of Larry's career or current events. After breakfast, take a photo with Larry and have him record your outgoing voicemail message on your cell phone."
What to expect: This prize is all about tricking you into thinking you're getting more than you really are. For one thing, the devious charity is probably jacking up the price a little for the privilege of having Larry King "record your outgoing voicemail message on your cell phone," which you were DEFINITELY going to do without its permission. They're also really plays up the Little Rascals' boys club atmosphere of the meal. Are you really one of the gang? Or are you sitting there in stiff silence while Larry and his friends toss gossip about the dissolution of couples you don't know.
In order to get your money's worth, bring along all your friends' cellphones and have him record their outgoing messages as well. Your favorite interview of Larry's? The one he is conducting with himself right now, while he tells people about your brother is available for contact by email if it's urgent.
Meet the Dynamic Nancy Grace on the Set of Her CNN Show in Atlanta
Description: "You watch her live show on CNN religiously. Now watch Nancy Grace in action at the CNN studio in Atlanta and meet her after the show for a photo together. You and a guest will visit the set of Nancy Grace to experience the inner workings of a internationally broadcast news commentary show at the Global Headquarters of CNN in Atlanta [and] meet this fascinating woman on the set."
What to expect: Nancy Grace will show you pictures of her twins (babies, not breasts) and turn you into an unflattering hashtag on her Twitter page. #FanOrBoringPervert #TooFatToKill
Learn From the Best with a Swim Lesson and Lunch with Gold Medal Olympian, Ryan Lochte in Gainesville Florida
Description: "You and your guest will join Olympian, Ryan Lochte for a swim lesson and lunch in Gainesville, Florida."
What to expect: The fine print of all these prizes is a standard call for decency: "Polite manners and respect for the generous donor and adherence to any rules or parameters are a must." This means you cannot drug Ryan Lochte into being your dumb husband, however simple trickery is not technically illegal and probably easily accomplished.
If you win this item, expect Ryan Lochte to say "Do like this," and dive into the water without ever looking back to check up on you. Later, when he sees your drowned, bloated corpse floating, Ryan will assume you are taking a "pool nap" and eat your portion of lunch himself.
Dior VIII 38mm Watch & a Personal Note from Charlize Theron
This gorgeous Dior watch has a black ceramic bracelet with Quartz movement and diamond set bezel."
What to expect: You will receive a very fancy watch complete with a diamond-encrusted bezoar or something. Upon closer inspection, you will see that the glass protecting the watch face has been cracked. In the box, you find a note, written in a flourished hand on pink, scented paper. "Sorry I broke your watch. – Charlize"
Laugh Out Loud at a Private Courvoisier Dinner with Shaquille O'Neal & His All-Star Comedy Jam Comedians - Finesse Mitchell, Capone & Lavar Walker - at the Fontainebleau Miami Dec. 15
Description: "Enjoy a private Courvoisier dinner for you and a guest at the Fontainebleau Miami with NBA Legend Shaquille O'Neal and the comedians of his All-Star Comedy Jam, featuring Finesse Mitchell, Capone and Lavar Walker! After dinner you and your guest will join Shaq and Courvoisier at an exclusive cocktail party also at the Fontainbleau.
Dinner will feature custom course pairings with Courvoisier cognac in a stellar restaurant at the Fontainebleau. You'll have the time of your life laughing with star comedians and Shaq himself!"
What to expect: Four men sitting quietly at a table set for six. All frown into their snifters of exquisite Courvoisier. Finally, the big one—a giant of a man—breaks the silence. "Not one bid?" His massive shoulders shake as he starts to cry. The others get up from their chairs and gather around him. He dwarfs them, even seated. "You'll get 'em next time, Shaq."