Ladies: Exercise Is More Important Than Your Hair

Here now, a new study chronicled in the scientific journal The Daily Mail, which lays bare womankind's deepest, darkest, shiniest, most volumizing secret: some women are far more concerned about their hair than about their physique. Ladies. Ladies. You have it backwards.

The shocking findings of the new real survey, out of Wake Forest University: "40 per cent admitted to avoiding exercise because they didn't want to ruin their hair-dos." That's almost half! Most of the women got only half the recommended amount of weekly exercise, and a quarter didn't exercise at all. I for one am shocked, not to mention appalled. Before I totally blow this thing women do out of the water with knowledge bombs, let's note the ways in which this is a tricky area for fitness and sex analysts:

1. The survey involved only women. High sexism/ misogyny potential.
2. Only black women were surveyed. High racism potential.
3. Devastatingly high potential for one or the other side in this argument to quote stand up comedians including but not limited to Mo'Nique, Wanda Sykes, Chris Rock, Steve Harvey, and even, in extreme cases, Dane Cook.

Nevertheless, this issue is too important too ignore. It calls, indeed, for some real talk. So where more intellectually timid and/ or wiser (white, male) pundits would bow out of this discussion, citing "a thing" that they "forgot" they have to do, I shall forge ahead. Now. Here is the problem with the common attitude among ladies that they must not mess up their hair by exercising: your hair is less important than your body, when it comes to "looking good." If you object that "looking good" is a purely subjective measure that cannot be quantified at all across cultures or even across individuals, I will say yes, you are correct. But everyone is, deep down, secretly, interested in whether someone else thinks they look good, and I am someone else, so let's proceed. If you object that you may care if someone thinks you look good but not if I think you look good, I will say, "Do you see anyone else here? No, it's just us for now, sorry." If you object that this issue is "not just about looking good," I will say that you are lying. If it is not about looking good then hey, fuck your hair, start exercising—at least exercise is good for your health.

In order to determine whether great hair or a great body is more important to looking good, simply try the following thought experiment: Imagine one woman who is bald, with a great body, and another woman who has great hair, and no body. Who is more likely to get a date, or be able to accomplish simple physical tasks requiring at least a basic sort of locomotion? The answer is clear. (The same answer applies for men, by the way.) The good news is that, here in "the real world," the choice need not always be so drastic. Ladies, you can exercise, have a great body, and men (I do not propose to speak for lesbians, unless the lesbian community would like for me to speak for them, in which case I have many interesting theories) probably won't even notice your hair, even if it is busted, because they are focused on your body. Or you can neglect exercise, spend a lot of time and money and effort on your hair to make it look great, and men still will not pay attention to your hair, because I just don't think we really care that much about it, one way or the other.

The choice is clear.

Yes, I understand that hair care for black women is often an expensive and time-consuming proposition, and that its inherent cost and effort make the protection of a hair do a very seductive priority. I am simply proposing here that, if you are the type of person given to seeing hair care and exercise as an either/ or proposition in which one or the other must be chosen, exercise is clearly the proper choice. Of course, a woman might very well say, "Who the hell are you and why the fuck should I care about your opinion, since you appear to be just some random asshole spouting your opinions on the internet, and I'm not sleeping with you or trying to sleep with you or trying to 'attract' you in any way whatsoever?" Well, that last part's not what I heard, but otherwise, that is a justified response. Sure. Fine. That makes sense. You can convince your friends of that. You may even be able to convince yourself. But you will never be able to convince me that hair care should be prioritized over exercise, because I have too much love for womankind in my soul to allow such a myth to flourish. Yes, perhaps I love too much, as did Jesus (and look what happened to him). But I must assert that there is a very strong chance that some of you, ladies, are using your hair as an excuse not to exercise. And in the hardcore heart, there is no room for excuses. (All the room is taken up by love.)

So jump up, run out, and sweat until your hair looks like a god damn mess. It is the right thing you do. If you need me, I will be on the couch. My hair is really short. I'm a man, so it really doesn't matter.

[Photo: AP]