Tired of beating around the Holiday Bush, Fox and Friends went straight to Santa for "evidence" that the War on Christmas is a real thing.
Unfortunately for Fox, Santa Claus is too imaginary even for Fox News, so they were forced to settle for the next best thing: A Santa impersonator with a grudge.
Sal Lizard, best known for his role as Jolly Ol' St. Nick in Richard Kelly's poorly received psychological thriller The Box, was more than happy to play the part of Politically Incorrect Santa and answer questions on behalf of Père Noël.
"You know, I never had a problem being Santa Claus, but there was a time a few years back when suddenly I started showing up at Christmas parties and was told that they were having holiday parties. So therefore, they didn't need a santa anymore," Lizard — I mean Santa — told hosts Gretchen Carlson and Steve Doocy. "And it was about that time, that was the time when I think the Surgeon General said Santa should lay off the cookies and start picking up more carrots and broccoli."
Sound the air raid siren: People are becoming more considerate and inclusive and America's top doctor wants a country where childhood obesity has tripled in the past 30 years to slim down and maybe adopt a Santa that wasn't modeled after a 1930s Coca-Cola ad.
Meanwhile, are we so sure Gretchen Carlson doesn't think she just spoke to the real Santa Claus?