America is strutting around the universe with a little kick in its step today, as Miss USA was crowned Miss Universe last night for the first time EVER in the last 15 years.
The new ruling commander and supreme god of the universe is Olivia Culpo, a 20-year-old sophomore at Boston University, who appeared in her first pageant last year wearing a $25 rented dress with a hole in it.
Culpo won that pageant—Miss Rhode Island (though what does it say about Rhode Island that any bum off the street with a ratty dress and a passion for musical education can come in and be voted President?)—and then went on to win Miss USA and now Miss Universe in rapid succession. She has never known failure. According to her charming 10 Things You Didn't Know [And Didn't Know You Didn't Know] About Olivia Culpo video, as a child, she slept with her butt in the air. She is everything.
As Miss Universe, Culpo will receive an undisclosed salary, a new wardrobe, many products (skin-colored and otherwise) to put on her face to make it more attractive, and a "luxury apartment" located in the universe. (This specific apartment happens to exist in New York, NY, USA, Earth, Solar System, Local Interstellar Cloud, Milky Way, Virgo Supercluster, Pisces-Cetus Supercluster Complex, the universe.)
When asked during the finals (by Rob Kardashian) whether she would support the crowning of a transgender Miss Universe, Culpo said that she would:
"Today where there are so many surgeries and so many people out there who have a need to change for a happier life, I do accept that because I believe it's a free country."
Under Olivia Culpo, who plans to use her title to champion HIV/AIDS prevention, the whole universe is a free country.
In keeping with tradition, last year's pageant winner, Leila Lopes from Angola, was stuffed into a rocket and fired off into the stratosphere at daybreak.
[Miss Universe // Image via Getty]