What were you doing on Thursday, November 8 at 2:29pm? Checking Facebook? Answering e-mails? Some awesome dude in Maryland was busy farting.
A 38-year-old professional flatulist has been working undercover as a disability claims authorizer in the Baltimore office of the Social Security Administration. That's the only plausible explanation for this bureaucratic paper trail discovered by the Smoking Gun, a formal letter documenting the dates and times of every instance an unidentified civil-service employee "disrupted the work floor by passing gas and releasing an unpleasant odor," compiled by his obviously envious coworkers.
Over the course of three months, there were 60 incidents recorded total—and that was just when other people noticed.
What's more astounding is that this wasn't the first time the union member had been recognized for his superpower. According to the document, the local Deputy Division Director had not only broached the subject of "your bodily gas and the terrible smell that comes with the gas" during a performance review earlier in the spring, but another manager spoke to him about it two months later. From the letter:
Then in August, the employee promised to "purchase the medicine called Gas-X," but evidently couldn't submit to his personal Kryptonite for very long: he spent September 13 (eight documented instances), September 19 (nine), and November 8 (10:52 am, 11:00 am, 12:41pm, 2:29pm, 2:49pm, 4:12pm, 4:22pm) totally showing off.
Don't be fooled into thinking the man can't help himself—the Smoking Gun has a blurred-face photo allegedly of the man posed with Pepe Le Pew. To think, all this time, Le Pétomane's successor has been hiding in plain sight.