Every year on December 25th, Jesus throws himself a huge birthday party and everyone is invited and everyone brings a present for someone else (unique gifting idea coined by Jesus) and it is just, like, known that this day is Jesus' birthday so you shouldn't make any other plans.
So of course, textbook mean girls Brad and Angelina chose to upstage Jesus by throwing their wedding on his special day. (Allegedly.)
The Telegraph reports that the frenemies of Christ were married Christmas Day in Turks and Caicos, at an estate owned by Donna Karan. All of the couple's children were in attendance, even Knox who is like whatever, as were Brad's parents and siblings.
Know who was not in attendance? Donna Karan. A source revealed to Page Six that the designer was not observing Island Time over the holiday, which means that Brad and Angelina must have guessed her security passcode (80085), broken into her house, forced a kidnapped yacht captain to marry them in the pantry, and successfully defended the complex against pirates and the island police via a deadly combination of guns with the serial numbers filed off and "squatters' rights," for several days.
The Telegraph reports that, like the couple's children, Karan's Parrot Cay estate is "styled in a hybrid Indonesian/African style." Karan has described it as "a cocoon of serenity."
Representatives for Pitt and Jolie have yet to officially confirm that the nuptials indeed took place, but if you wanted to get married at Donna Karan's house without any news outlets or Donna Karan knowing about it, Christmas does seem like the perfect day to do it.
In November, Brad Pitt said of the much-anticipated wedding would happen "The time is nigh. It's soon."
A spokesman for Jesus has yet to comment on the slight.
Telegraph // Image via Getty