Why didn't you call me when you got my texts? I texted you like four times because I had something important to tell you. Ohmygod, don't be a bitch to me right now, something can be important even if it's a group text. Whatever, shut up, I have big news:
TAYLOR SWIFT AND HARRY STYLES MADE-OUT ON NEW YEAR'S EVE FOR, LIKE, AN UNCOMFORTABLE AMOUNT OF TIME.
Swift was in Times Square to perform a ritual song and dance for Ryan Seacrest's Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve, in order to frighten away the malevolent spirit of Dick Clark. Styles was on hand because he's the best bf <3.
In the clip (which I guess counts as porn, technically?), Swift and Styles appear thronged by a mix of police, security guards, and tourists in North Face fleeces. They count down the last five seconds of 2012 with cheerful fist pumps and, as soon as the ball begins to drop, so do Harry's; he and Taylor immediately envelop one another like they're on the cover of a Harlequin romance.
Taylor does a pretty good job of remembering everything she's read on the art of seduction and after the deed is done ("Can your dad tell you kissed someone?" Taylor will type into Yahoo Answers later that night) they hug one another like he's shipping out tomorrow. Taylor Swift tells someone "No" (negative start to the new year) and the video ends.
Earlier in the evening, Swift tweeted with a crazy person's enthusiasm about the number 13:
Because 13 is her favorite number until she turns 14.
[Image via Getty]