Ever since Kanye West commanded a roomful of people in New Jersey to make claps at his "baby mama," the Internet has been monitoring Kim Kardashian for clues as to what kind of mama she will be to his baby.
A boring one like the character, Kim, she plays on her reality TV show and in life? An embarrassing over-sexed one who wears see-through dresses and volunteers to make "oysters ;)"? A momager, like her own mother, momaging her children's personal lives all to hell?
Based on her recent odd observation that hosting a human inside of your body "does become easier and funner," following the notoriously difficult first few weeks of pregnancy (?), it seems that the style of mom she is most likely to be is: Uninformed Teenager from 16 and Pregnant.
But which 16 and Pregnant mom is Kim most like?
Alike: From an aesthetic sense, Kim Kardashian is pure Farrah Abraham. As Titian had his redheads, so do the Kardashians have their brunettes: pretty girls of indeterminate ethnicity with long black hair and a vacant gaze that pops under numerous coats of mascara and lavender eyeshadow.
Different: The father of Farrah's child, from whom Farrah was estranged during her pregnancy, died in a car accident before his daughter's birth. His absence looms large over Farrah's narrative, which may cause it to diverge too significantly from Kim's.
Alike: Jenelle Evans has a Kardashianly-close relationship with her mother Barbara. While not technically a momager in the classical sense, Barbara does momage many aspects of Jenelle's life, including her social calendar (by forbidding Jenelle to see her trouble-making suitors), appointments (by reportedly booking Jenelle into rehab for heroin addiction), and day-to-day tasks (by maintaining custody of Jenelle's son Jace).
Different: Kim's relationship with her boss and mom Kris is much smoother than that of Jenelle's with Babs. Additionally, althought Kim is often photographed at parties, to describe her as a "partier" is a disservice to revelers like Jenelle and Lindsay Lohan who have dedicated their lives to the craft.
Different: Time and again, Catelynn has demonstrated a propensity for making good, thoughtful decisions, a behavior toward which Kim displays no inclination. Also Catelynn is poor, and Kim is not.
Alike: Maci began her career of being 16 and pregnant on the arm of her dashing boyfriend Raaahn Edwards, the Kanye West of Chattanooga, Tennessee. However, while Raaahn was cute, and Maci was cute, and baby Bentley was as cute as his namesake is expensive, the couple's relationship —which consisted of long droughts of boredom punctuated by torrential downpours of #drama — quickly fizzled.
Furthermore, it's likely that Kim and Kanye's baby (which will almost certainly be called "Kromp" or "Topaz") will exert an influence on United States census records that will be felt for years to come, following a trail blazed by the Bookout-Edwardses. "Maci" and "Bentley" experienced an unprecedented bump in baby name popularity the year after Maci's episode of 16 and Pregnant aired.
Owing to her desirable male counterpart, calm demeanor, and quiet sadness, the Teen Mom whose life Kim Kardashian's will most closely resemble is: Maci.
Top image by Jim Cooke.