In a blind item that popped up on Eater's radar this afternoon, a person claiming to be "known in and around NYC" for his "somewhat famous restaurant in the meatpacking district" and "several" Food Network specials offers up this noxious confession: "I farted on every single one of my 37 employees."
The unnamed "chef" proceeds to outline his flatulent exploits in odious detail.
His farting wasn't whimsical, he takes care to note — he was on a mission. "I had to fart on everyone that works for me, and write it all in a log book so that I can keep track," he writes.
There were rules, of course: The targets had to be aware of the fart; they had to be farted upon in alphabetical order; and "at least 80%" had to express revulsion at having been farted upon, otherwise the farting would continue.
It took some finagling — "some people I couldn't just directly fart on, like my accountant, shes a sweet girl" — but the mission was eventually accomplished, and the story, it seems, must now be told in full.
"I think I will post the story of every single persons very own and original fart on here every night for 37 nights," writes the epicurean eproctophile. "Some are really good ones, some are just farts, but I will let you be the judge."
Have you guessed who it is yet? If so, "come to my restaurant and tell the bartender this: "Mr. Bojangles and his two sidewinders sent me", he will give you a free drink, and a laugh."