Eat Like the Stars: A Course-by-Course Golden Globes Menu Analysis

The best thing about Golden Globes night is that it provides dinner to a roomful of stars who otherwise could not afford to feed themselves. The celebs sit smushed elbow-to-elbow at round dinner tables and the International Ballroom of the Beverly Hilton looks like an Olive Garden the ad sales department has rented out for its 2003 F-ad-bulous Employee Recognition Dinner. Also everyone gets wasted, which is great for .gifs.

In order to live vicariously through the stars we were always destined to be, let's take an inside look at this year's just-announced menu:

First Course

Grilled Artichoke on Frisee served with Fennel Tomato Lemon Mousse; Kabocha pumpkin smoked dried tomato tart; pepper honey Goat Cheese

Unlike at Applebee's, where the "apps" section is hands-down the greatest region of the menu, many of these items are either barely food or not food at all. They are simply lists of unrelated nouns separated by spaces and sometimes semicolons. Fennel Tomato Lemon Mousse; Cucumber Asprin Thyme Fricassee. And why is the artichoke served on a frisbee? And How do you parse a phrase like Kabocha pumpkin smoked dried tomato tart?

"Kabocha-pumpkin smoked dried-tomato tart"
"Kabocha pumpkin-smoked dried tomato tart"
"Kabocha, pumpkin. Smoked, dried tomato tart."

It is undiagrammable.

Grade: Upside-down question mark (¿)

Second Course

Smoked Flat Iron Steak and Pacific Sea Bass

Crashing hard from the bath salts high of the first course, the Golden Globes chefs are playing it safe with the entrées.These dishes, old favorites both, are the Julia Louis-Dreyfus of the menu: not going to win any awards, but it was a pleasure running into them.

Grade: A solid B

Dessert

Cappucino Mousse Cake

This coffee-flavored course serves as a big Fuck You to the kids in attendance (the girl from Moonrise Kingdom, the boy from Moonrise Kingdom, and Zooey Deschanel). It's unclear why the chefs have opted to inject caffeine into the stars through back-alley dessert-based channels when most of the guests are more likely to accept an after-dinner coffee or coke bump than chomp through a thick mousse. Then again, all the espresso shots in the world won't be able to jolt Dame Maggie Smith out of her champagne waking-dream by the time her category is announced the tail end of the broadcast.

Grade: D-

And that's it! Doesn't seem like a lot of food, does it? More a polite cheek kiss than an a disgusting orgy of flavors.

I guess that's why everyone drinks.

[Golden Globes // Image via Getty]