American Employers Exasperated to Learn that All Employees Are on Drugs

This nation of ours, America, was built upon the backs of hardworking slaves, the key word being "hardworking." Careful readers will notice what we did not say that this great nation was built upon: drugs and "getting high" on illegal drugs.

Sure, we all love crystal meth, and sure, we'd all rather be heating broken light bulbs with a blow torch than pulling on our boots to get ready for work in the morning. But how would "we" get the money to buy crystal meth, without a dang job? This is the simple piece of logic that public school-educated Americans in the "Heartland of Dirt" states (Pennsylvania, Ohio, West Virginia, and, I can only imagine, Alaska) just can't seem to grasp. And unlike most instances in which Americans don't understand things and then sit around doing drugs all day, this instance is having a negative effect—on America.

The WSJ reports that as far all of the Pennsylvanians passed out on dirty couches due to sniffing Oxycontin are concerned, there might as well not even be a big oil and gas extraction business boom, because those businesspersons cannot find enough employees to extract the oil and gas, because those potential employees are instead passed out on dirty couches due to sniffing Oxycontin. It is the very Oxford English Dictionary definition of a "vicious cycle." The NObama government requires these oil and gas workers to be certifiably Not All Tweaked Out on Meth And Shit, and his onerous amount of regulation combined with increasing rates of positive drug tests mean that a vital American industry is having a hard time filling its employment rolls, because people in Ohio are all fucked up.

The prevalence of certain drugs is also on the rise. Quest [Diagnostics] found amphetamines in 24.6% of positive tests of federally mandated workers in 2011, up from 17.4% in 2009. Of the tests Quest conducted in the general workforce, pain relievers known as oxycodones were found in 3.1% of positive tests in 2011, from 2.7% in 2009.

"I'm on meth and oxy, which completely cancel one another out! I'm as normal as ever!" cry the Potential Oil and Gas Extractors of Pennsylvania. Who will hear their cries? Not the government fat cats, I bet.

[WSJ. Photo: Shutterstock]