Here Are This Year's Affleck-Snubbing, Lincoln-Lauding, MacFarlane-Dreading Oscar NominationsS

Actress Emma Stone and Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane — this year's host — got up nice and early to tell some really atrocious jokes and announce this year's Oscar nominations. If you were smart enough to avoid this stupid ceremony, here's what's totally surprising: neither Zero Dark Thirty's Kathryn Bigelow nor Argo's Ben Affleck received Best Director nominations, even though both directors were considered locks and both movies are nominated for Best Picture.

And here's what's unsurprising: Lincoln locked up 12 nominations, and MacFarlane was fumbling and unfunny and only took 12 minutes to make a Hitler joke. (Bring back blackface Billy Crystal and/or stoned James Franco!) Here's the full nominee list. Come make predictions and complain with us!

Best motion picture of the year
Amour
Argo
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Django Unchained
Les Misérables
Life of Pi
Lincoln
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty

Performance by an actor in a leading role
Bradley Cooper in Silver Linings Playbook
Daniel Day-Lewis in Lincoln
Hugh Jackman in Les Misérables
Joaquin Phoenix in The Master
Denzel Washington in Flight

Performance by an actress in a leading role
Jessica Chastain in Zero Dark Thirty
Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook
Emmanuelle Riva in Amour
Quvenzhané Wallis in Beasts of the Southern Wild
Naomi Watts in The Impossible

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Alan Arkin in Argo
Robert De Niro in Silver Linings Playbook
Philip Seymour Hoffman in The Master
Tommy Lee Jones in Lincoln
Christoph Waltz in Django Unchained

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Amy Adams in The Master
Sally Field in Lincoln
Anne Hathaway in Les Misérables
Helen Hunt in The Sessions
Jacki Weaver in Silver Linings Playbook

Achievement in directing
Amour Michael Haneke
Beasts of the Southern Wild Benh Zeitlin
Life of Pi Ang Lee
Lincoln Steven Spielberg
Silver Linings Playbook David O. Russell

Best animated feature film of the year
Brave
Frankenweenie
ParaNorman
The Pirates! Band of Misfits
Wreck-It Ralph

Achievement in cinematography
Anna Karenina Seamus McGarvey
Django Unchained Robert Richardson
Life of Pi Claudio Miranda
Lincoln Janusz Kaminski
Skyfall Roger Deakins

Achievement in costume design
Anna Karenina Jacqueline Durran
Les Misérables Paco Delgado
Lincoln Joanna Johnston
Mirror Mirror Eiko Ishioka
Snow White and the Huntsman Colleen Atwood

Best documentary feature
5 Broken Cameras
The Gatekeepers
How to Survive a Plague
The Invisible War
Searching for Sugar Man

Best documentary short subject
Inocente
Kings Point
Mondays at Racine
Open Heart
Redemption

Achievement in film editing
Argo William Goldenberg
Life of Pi Tim Squyres
Lincoln Michael Kahn
Silver Linings Playbook Jay Cassidy and Crispin Struthers
Zero Dark Thirty Dylan Tichenor and William Goldenberg

Best foreign language film of the year
Amour (Austria)
Kon-Tiki (Norway)
No (Chile)
A Royal Affair (Denmark)
War Witch (Canada)

Achievement in makeup and hairstyling
Hitchcock Howard Berger, Peter Montagna and Martin Samuel
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Peter Swords King, Rick Findlater and Tami Lane
Les Misérables Lisa Westcott and Julie Dartnell

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)
Anna Karenina Dario Marianelli
Argo Alexandre Desplat
Life of Pi Mychael Danna
Lincoln John Williams
Skyfall Thomas Newman

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)
Before My Time from Chasing Ice
Music and Lyric by J. Ralph
Everybody Needs A Best Friend from Ted
Music by Walter Murphy; Lyric by Seth MacFarlane
Pi's Lullaby from Life of Pi
Music by Mychael Danna; Lyric by Bombay Jayashri
Skyfall from Skyfall
Music and Lyric by Adele Adkins and Paul Epworth
Suddenly from Les Misérables
Music by Claude-Michel Schönberg; Lyric by Herbert Kretzmer and Alain Boublil

Achievement in production design
Anna Karenina
Production Design: Sarah Greenwood; Set Decoration: Katie Spencer
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Production Design: Dan Hennah; Set Decoration: Ra Vincent and Simon Bright
Les Misérables
Production Design: Eve Stewart; Set Decoration: Anna Lynch-Robinson
Life of Pi
Production Design: David Gropman; Set Decoration: Anna Pinnock
Lincoln
Production Design: Rick Carter; Set Decoration: Jim Erickson

Best animated short film
Adam and Dog
Fresh Guacamole
Head over Heels
Maggie Simpson in "The Longest Daycare"
Paperman

Best live action short film
Asad
Buzkashi Boys
Curfew
Death of a Shadow (Dood van een Schaduw)
Henry

Achievement in sound editing
Argo Erik Aadahl and Ethan Van der Ryn
Django Unchained Wylie Stateman
Life of Pi Eugene Gearty and Philip Stockton
Skyfall Per Hallberg and Karen Baker Landers
Zero Dark Thirty Paul N.J. Ottosson

Achievement in sound mixing
Argo John Reitz, Gregg Rudloff and Jose Antonio Garcia
Les Misérables Andy Nelson, Mark Paterson and Simon Hayes
Life of Pi Ron Bartlett, D.M. Hemphill and Drew Kunin
Lincoln Andy Nelson, Gary Rydstrom and Ronald Judkins
SkyfallScott Millan, Greg P. Russell and Stuart Wilson

Achievement in visual effects
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Joe Letteri, Eric Saindon, David Clayton and R. Christopher White
Life of Pi Bill Westenhofer, Guillaume Rocheron, Erik-Jan De Boer and Donald R. Elliott
Marvel's The Avengers Janek Sirrs, Jeff White, Guy Williams and Dan Sudick
Prometheus Richard Stammers, Trevor Wood, Charley Henley and Martin Hill
Snow White and the Huntsman Cedric Nicolas-Troyan, Philip Brennan, Neil Corbould and Michael Dawson

Adapted screenplay
Argo Screenplay by Chris Terrio
Beasts of the Southern Wild Screenplay by Lucy Alibar & Benh Zeitlin
Life of Pi Screenplay by David Magee
Lincoln Screenplay by Tony Kushner
Silver Linings Playbook Screenplay by David O. Russell

Original screenplay
Amour Written by Michael Haneke
Django Unchained Written by Quentin Tarantino
Flight Written by John Gatins
Moonrise Kingdom Written by Wes Anderson & Roman Coppola
Zero Dark Thirty Written by Mark Boal