'Stripes After Jail, So Not a Good Idea!': What We Learned From NYT Magazine's De Facto Lindsay Lohan Profile

If the upcoming Lindsay Lohan/James Deen vehicle The Canyons is half as entertaining as Stephen Rodrick's New York Times Magazine piece about it, it's going to be fantastic. The 8,000-word article reads like an exhaustive documentary on the Paul Schrader-directed, Bret Easton Ellis-written film (that has since been rejected by Sundance). It is what those on Twitter would refer to as a "great read."

It's also a de facto profile of Lindsay Lohan, which you are tipped off to immediately by its title, "Here Is What Happens When You Cast Lindsay Lohan in Your Movie." As such, it is the most humanizing portrait of her that we have seen in a while, possibly ever. Amidst confirmation of what we already know about her tendency to be late, blow off important work and otherwise trounce her legacy are some very revealing, mostly untold details. Here are some things we learn about her:

She has a sense of humor about her…situation…s:

Lohan's private doubts did not diminish her public enthusiasm. She had a thousand thoughts on Tara. Schrader mentioned the character was a failed actress.

"Rejection for an actress is formative."

Lohan snorted a laugh.

"Well, it's nothing like going to jail, I can tell you that."

She owns coasters that say, "I used to worry, but now I have a pill for that."

She talked of a recent photo shoot where she was asked to wear stripes. She shifted into her best Joan Rivers imitation.

"I said, ‘Hello, stripes after jail, so not a good idea!'"

...But not all of her situations:

One afternoon, [Schrader] shot some of the lead-up to the movie's pivotal sex scene. Lohan wasn't happy.

"I hope you got my triple chin on that one," Lohan said to no one directly. "That shot was hideous."

She hated doing Liz & Dick as much as we hated watching it:

At their second meeting, Lohan complained to Schrader about a biopic she was shooting for Lifetime, in which she played Elizabeth Taylor, one of her role models. She proclaimed the director a jerk, her co-star a nightmare and the crew unfriendly.

That said, she relates to Liz Taylor, or rather Lindsay Lohan playing Liz Taylor:

"There was a line in the Elizabeth movie where she says, ‘I'm so bored, I've never been taught what to do when I'm not working,' and I'm kind of figuring that out now."

Left to her own devices, she will make herself look like a clown:

Lohan's visage had a Kabuki quality to it. She had chosen to wear layers of mascara and catlike eye makeup with black lines pointing out toward her ears.

She harnesses her rough upbringing:

After a while, Schrader cut in to show Deen what he wanted, lightly moving Lohan and turning her toward the floor.

"James, you see that?"

Deen nodded, but Schrader wasn't convinced. So he grabbed Lohan, tripped her over his left leg and body-slammed her to the floor. Lohan screamed, and the crew gasped. But she bounced up with a smile.

"That was great! Want to do it again?"

...After three shots, Schrader said he was satisfied, and Lohan fumbled for a cigarette. She headed downstairs, and someone complimented her work.

"Well, I've got a lot of experience with that from my dad."

To get her to disrobe, you must disrobe:

…But then [Schrader] realized that there was one thing he hadn't yet tried. He stripped off all of his clothes. Naked, he walked toward Lohan...

Lohan shrieked.

...Pope heard the scream and ran up from downstairs. He turned a corner, and there was a naked Schrader. Pope let out a "whoa" and slowly backed out of the room.

But then a funny thing happened. Lohan dropped her robe.

She holds grudges:

Schrader was already scouting the location by the time Lohan arrived at the suite with her entourage. She smiled and waved to everyone and then noticed a magazine with Oliver Stone on the cover. She picked it up and ripped it into pieces, cursing. (Lohan had been considered for a role in Stone's "Savages," but the director eventually passed.)

She seems genuinely aware of what she has done to her career and what havoc she can wreak on makeup:

I mentioned the scene at the house where she dissolved into tears. I may have said that she still had a gift and that it shouldn't be squandered. Lohan's eyes filled.

"I know. I'm trying. I'm really trying."

But then she shook her head.

"I can't cry. I've got makeup on."

She eventually wants to direct:

"I eventually want to direct."

[Image via Getty]