Did you know that the Girl Scouts, America's rag-tag crème puff children's militia, are rolling out a new cookie this year?
"Oh my God," you say to yourself. "Thin Mints, Shortbreads, Peanut Butter Sammiches – and now they've done it again? I don't care what it's called; I don't care how much it costs (it costs $3.50; they all cost $3.50) — put me down for a dozen boxes!"
Well you're spending your money very irresponsibly, Marie Antoinette.
Because the cookie is named like a shampoo, lists "mushrooms" among its ingredients, and is neither coated in chocolate nor forms a cookie-sandwich around peanut butter.
Meet your new nightmare, Mango Crèmes with NutriFusion™.
I'll take one box of Thin Mints and one box of Mango Crèmes with NutriFusion™, please.
My favorite cookie? It's a tossup between the classic chocolate chip and the Girl Scouts' Mango Crèmes with NutriFusion™.
All existing nuclear weapons derive their explosive energy from NutriFusion™, the radioactive decay of an atom's mangocreme.
Here is ABC Smart Cookies' official description of Mango Crèmes with NutriFusion™:
Crunchy vanilla and coconut cookies feature a mango-flavored creme filling with all the nutrient benefits of eating cranberries, pomegranates, oranges, grapes, and strawberries!
Proceeding along to the ingredients list (in scout-talk: The Ingredients Jamboree), one of the first things you'll notice is that there ain't no kind of mango inside this mango cookie.
There is mushroom concentrate. There is grape concentrate. There is an orange-ish color.
However "mango" in this instance serves, not as an ingredient, but as a decoration to hang before the rest of the cookie's name. A name which—in case you forgot—ends with the made-up science word "NutriFusion™."
You know what, though? That's not even the worst thing about this cookie. Some of the most delicious "foods" in the world have origins that are murky, if not completely opaque. What is a Sour Patch Kid made of? What is a kiwi?
The worst thing about this cookie is that Girl Scouts of America thought the world was clamoring for a mango-flavored VitaCookie™ in the first place.
So, from now through March, if any young girls attempt to sell you "Mango Crèmes with NutriFusion™," try stoking the campfire of promise that burns like an inferno behind their coal black eyes with a little piece of tinder called "Real Talk."
Sit the young ladies down and explain that: