Welcome to America's annual salute to Tiggle Bitties: The Golden Globes.
What memes will be born tonight, of nervous sweat and awkward tears? Who will take home Hollywood's okay-est prize? Who can't even win a goddamn Golden Globe?
Join me and Gawker's Rich Juzwiak as we analyze the highs, the lows, who's high, and who blows.
Rich has seen all the nominated movies and I'm working my way through Ally McBeal on Netflix (no spoilers!).
(RJ) Caity, I'm dying at "tiggle bitties." You know it's "tig 'ol bitties," per Da Brat, right?
(CW) I debated this. "Tig ol" has more google hits, but this is adorable.
(RJ) Yes. Go with it. Conscious decision, I approve
(CW) How about the post is just us fighting about tiggle bitties?... UGH my boyfriend votes tig ol bitties. I just had him look at it. MAYBE WE SHOULD CHANGE IT.
(RJ) It's OK as long as it's a conscious decision. You're fine, Caity.
(CW) OPEN WITH A SHOT OF ROBERT DOWNEY JR. You may know him as "Larry" on TV/Netflix's Ally McBeal.
(RJ) Really, it's just so you know he's still doing well. We are invested.
(RJ) I love that they turned the camera on Tarantino when Poehler said "rat-faced." Even though she was talking about TV.
(CW) "Running afoul of the Hollywood foreign press": back to Robert Downey, Jr. Golden Globes present the Robert Downey, Jr. awards.
(RJ) This editing is bitchy. That's why everyone loves the Globes!
(RJ) Monologue gets an A. Solid, relevant, biting, not nasty.
(CW) Okay, I must admit: I have only seen two movies nominated tonight: Django and Moonrise Kingdom.
(RJ) Did Christoph Waltz say, "Let me gasp?"
(CW) We'll go with that, sure. Oh I thought this kind of unsteady, slightly crazy voice was an affectation for the film. It's just his real voice. He just called Quentin Tarantino the North star. Quentin Tarantino's giving everyone rides home tonight. Guiding their way.
(RJ) He once helped Jesus. I'm so over Downton that I don't even care that we didn't get to see Maggie Smith.
(CW) She's the first ditch of the night!
(RJ) That's so Violet!
(CW) First person too good for this shit: Maggie Smith.
(CW) Here's a question: When the winner isn't there to accept the award, do they let the presenters know ahead of time? It seems like it, right? They're always so cool about how so-and-so isn't here. I would look around like MAGGIE!!!! MAGGAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!! But otherwise, they seem surprised when they open the envelopes, right? Or do they ALWAYS know ahead of time who won, so they can practice saying the name?
(CW) What if Kerry Washington had said Murgie Smythe?
(RJ) I hate when people call acting "brave." It is never brave. It's only brave for celebrities, which is normal for normal people. Like, looking like shit or actually possibly SAYING something is something that people just do.
(RJ) People called Mariah Carey brave for Precious.
(CW) Mariah Carey calls Mariah Carey brave every day
(RJ) She used to own one shoe.
(CW) (We're getting MANY flashes of Sarah Paulson's dress tape, FYI)
(RJ) I need to make a gif of Poheler. That was the best thing that ever happened
(CW) Why will Julianne Moore's kids be relieved she won? Was she going to beat them otherwise?
(RJ) "We laughed so hard (AT SARAH PALIN) everyday."
(CW) Wow, they are playing Julianne Moore offstage!
(RJ) Ain't nobody got time for Julianne Moore.
(CW) "Like, WRAP IT UP, huge star, we need more time for folks no one knows"
(CW) I want Salma Hayek to read all the nominations and give all the speeches
(RJ) That's another one that I love. Always nice to see Salma.
(CW) Is this best actor in a TV drama win an upset? I love Damian Lewis for Band of Brothers. I don't watch Homeland, but if it's exactly like Band of Brothers, I would love it.
(RJ) It's not. But you would love it. At least the first season. He's great and I'm sure was expected to win. He won the Emmy.
(CW) He better not give away any spoilers in this speech.
(RJ) Spoiler, Pippa Middleton his his character's nanny
(CW) Interesting, he thanked his mom in heaven but NOT God?
(CW) Thanks GOD for letting my mom into heaven. For CREATING THE WORLD so that I could ACT IN IT.
(CW) Oh noooooo, the teleprompter is broken.
(RJ) Oh boyyyy. This show is GREAT.
(CW) Salma Hayek tried to improv it. "Something about the best....I know I'm giving away the award for the best..."
(RJ) "But what Best is it?"
(CW) The best Homeland. The best Homeland is Homeland
(RJ) Glee at the announcement of Homeland. Someone literally went, "Yeeeee!"
(RJ) Why is he not speaking into the microphone
(CW) He's got to talk into the mic. Talk into the mic, sweet man.
(RJ) Is something in retrograde?
(RJ) Jennifer Lopez and her dresses!
(CW) JENNIFER LOPEZ IS NAKED.
(RJ) She's always naked. This is schtick at this point. But she is glorious. What a thing to look at!
(CW) Would like to point out that the award itself looks very cheap. I have nicer trophies from ballet class. I nominate myself for Best Collection of Awards.
(CW) Adele's dress is the opposite of Lopez's.
(CW) And she is the most charming person in the world. Taylor Swift HATES that Adele pulls off humble better than she does. A look of seething hate!
(CW) Tina Fey as Johnny Depp in the audience! She and Amy are killing it.
(RJ) This thing that they're doing is sooo fucking good.
(RJ) Best Gag.
(CW) This isn't the PORN AWARDS, Rich
(RJ) What does this say about us cuturally? The way that they are killing it at an awards show? Like, this is science. This is the awards show as an art. Or maybe: craft.
(CW) BILL CLINTON IS THERE?!
(CW) Standing O for Bill Clinton
(CW) Bill Clinton comes out in FAVOR of abolishing slavery.
(RJ) We did not do Hollywood Foreign Press Association President Dr. Aida Takla O'Reilly justice, which is a damn shame because she is disappearing into the Delta Twilight, or so she says. She also says, "Look at the crowd gathered here tonight! Amazing!" She tells the camera to show the world the crowd, but it does not, and she becomes frustrated.
And then locates Bradley Cooper in the crowd and shows him how much she enjoyed 2012.
Star, this woman is a star.
(CW) I'd like to point out to our readers right now that you thought the tiger in Life of Pi was a real tiger. If I may?
(RJ) Did I?
(RJ) I soon found out that was wrong. I feel like I didn't.
(CW) And I was like "Rich, it looks like horrible CGI." We had an extended conversation about it.
(RJ) It looks gorgeous
(CW) The whole staff got involved!
(RJ) Haha – you're right
(CW) Anne Hathaway sings herself to the stage
(RJ) How annoying will this be 1-10?
(RJ) "Blerg." 10
(CW) She's not even PRETENDING she didn't practice this speech.
(RJ) "Unapologetically sincere"
(RJ) That is how Anne Hathaway sees Les Miz. I thinks she means "earnest." Or that's what she should mean.
(CW) I did not think Django was the best-written movie. The latter half dragged
(RJ) I thought it was well written. Very screenplayish.
(RJ) Ugh. I don't care about your life, Tarantino.
(CWJ) Okay, time to start playing QT offstage
Is he drunk or is this how he is?
(RJ) He keeps saying over and over in his head, "I'm sooooo Hollywood" and just saying whatever words are coming out.
(CW) Amanda Seyfried is BORED.
(RJ) "This is a damn surprise." K.
(CW) JEREMY IRONS HAS GONE FULL-VAMPIRE
(CW) Observation from my current Ally McBeal venture: Lucy Liu is breathtaking.
(RJ) She is. I just fed my cat.
(RJ) I would like to remind everyone that Pia Zadora has a Golden Globe. You probably already know that.
(CW) I would like to remind everyone that she was in Troop Beverly Hills
(RJ) Actually, the facts about its fraudulence are insane. Everyone should read this paragraph about Pia Zadora's Golden Globe.
(CW) "Furthermore, Zadora had made her film debut some 17 years earlier as a child performer in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians."
(RJ) Snap formation. I meant to tell you that I think one time I rang her up at this book store I worked at. Because I know that face. And she kind of rolled her eyes at me. Like, "We both know who I am." Which is suuuuuch a Pia Zadora thing to do, I think.
(CW) Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are appearing very sparingly. Is that the secret to being a good host? Knowing when NOT to host?
(CW) Don't over-host it. The host becomes a parasite.
(RJ) Yes. I think that host thing is actually common wisdom.
(RJ) Not to be like, "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?"
But I feel like I've heard it before.
(CW) Guess what, Rich, I just QUIT the liveblog because of your rude remarks.
(RJ) NO, COME BACK. I NEED YOU
(CW) K BACK. Love Danes.
(RJ) "I was up here when I was 15!" We know you're great. Also, we know because the announcer just said that.
(RJ) "I don't know if you noticed the list of my accolades 30 seconds ago?" "So, you know, My So-Called Life..."
(CW) Nice to see Angela Chase gaining some self-confidence.
(CW) Danes saying "…who took mah PANTS out…"
(CW) Need a clip of that. 30 seconds long. My new ringtone. Make it happen please.
(RJ) Done. I like that she transformed into Julia Roberts for a second there.
(RJ) Life of Pi! I sure like that tiger! I wonder how they kept it from eating people?
(CW) Wait, is this a real description of Life of Pi?
(CW) Life of Pi sounds INSANE. The tiger has a person's name?
(RJ) It's pretty insane. But in a slow way.
(CW) Rich, what if the tiger accepts the award?
(CW) Aziz Ansari is ADORABLE in person. Has a lil belly.
(CW) You just want to rub it, like a puppy with worms.
(RJ) Mary was all, "Weed!" She is acting like she doesn't speak English.
(RJ) And Jennifer Lawrence is looking at Sacha Baron Cohen like, "I'm the only one who's allowed to be an asshole!" "That's my schtick!"
(CW) Zooey Deschanel acting like she's surprised to be nominated. We know you knew about that part.
(CW) Tina and Amy killing it AGAIN.
(CW) These women.They're rocking it.
(RJ) AGAIN AND AGAIN. Best hosts.
(CW) I vote a woman for president.
(RJ) Now one will win because of tonight.
(CW) John Cook's daughter Lena Dunham won!
(RJ) That was a lot of Robyn.
(CW) I'll tell you the real loser tonight: Posture.
(RJ) She shouldn't be reading.
(CW) Oh my gosh. She's reading a report she wrote
(RJ) SHE SHOULDN'T BE READING A SPEECH. You can read names. NOT WORDS
(RJ) THIS IS BAD.
(RJ) BAN IT
(RJ) BURN IT
(CW) "I would like to read a short story I wrote about the other nominees."
(CW) I'm fifteh!!!
(RJ) But can she kick?
(RJ) UGH. No one needs Jodie Foster to be funny.
(RJ) She's really wild. "Golden Globies"
(RJ) She's being so weird. Right? She's fucked up. A little too loose.
(CW) Ummmm She's high as a goddamn kite
(RJ) A few milligrams too many. Like 20 or something
(RJ) She'll be fine
(RJ) Oh god
(CW) OMG RICH
(RJ) She's coming out to us
(CW) IT'S HAPPENING, RICH
(RJ) Uh, we knew
(RJ) Haha. That was good
(RJ) Or was it?
(CW) it wasn't
(RJ) "I'm out." Ugh. Barely. This is so weird.
(CW) I don't know this woman and she's confusing me
(RJ) "Privacy. Privacy."
(CW) Zooey Deschanel claps for privacy
(RJ) "That's reality show enough, don't you think?"
"I'm gay, but I'm not gonna say I'm gay, I'm just going to act weird."
"Yep, I'm weird!
(CW) Plug for Modern family
(RJ) She's never getting on a stage again? She's holding a talking stick?
(RJ) "Beautiful duets!!!" Jodie Foster was here.
(RJ) WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT OK. I need to clip that.
(CW) I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY
(RJ) Only dogs can understand Jodie Foster's whistle.
(RJ) Yay Argo. Affleck's is a good speech. Very humble. Gave it up for PTA. Shouted out the troops. Affleck is tonight's big winner so far. Besides Bradley Cooper, for getting hit on by Aida
(CW) Affleck motoring through his speech because Foster lasted 18 weird minutes
(RJ) It's really interesting to watch a human being again, after plunging into an alien world. Jodie Foster was, like, one-woman Avatar.
(RJ) Dunham is going to read again
(RJ) Still more Robyn. And it's this remix that is even worse.
(RJ) "GUYS GET SUPER CLOSE" OK, Mom.
(RJ) "I was elected to speak for our team." GEE I WONDER WHY? COULD IT BE THAT YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO VOTED, YOU DICTATOR, YOU?
(RJ) Oh. She dropped the paper. Cool
(CW) Allison Williams is wearing beautiful earrings and she is a pretty girl.
(RJ) Jennifer Garner got her dress at at CVS. It was half off because CHRISTMAS IS OVER.
(RJ) LES MISERABLAH
(RJ) That is so dumb. That movie is so bad.
(RJ) And he's going to be all, like, "This is serious and comes from the French.
(CW) I think EVERYONE should have to walk to the stage to the sound of themselves singing a song.
(CW) I would sing "O Little Town of Bethlehem"
(RJ) Perfect for January.
(CW) "…A lot of you know my wife." She's the town bicycle — everyone's had a ride!
(RJ) Except for her husband, and isn't it ironic?
(CW) Who the hell is this guy?
(RJ) Jeremy Renner
(CW) Did he swear?
(RJ) I think he did
(RJ) Did you ever see the Judge Judy where the two girls had an iTunes dispute?
(CW) No, let's talk about that!
(RJ) like 11-year-olds
(CW) Let's just talk about old Judge Judys for the rest of the show.
(RJ) And the one girl denied stealing her friend's account because she didn't listen to music with "swears"
(RJ) Ok ok. I'll tell you soon about this important moment in TV
(CW) I hope Moonrise Kingdom wins because I saw it and I'll feel like a lucky charm.
(CW) I can't imagine any film is better than the one I saw because, if so, wouldn't I have seen it?
(CW) UGH. I AM ~MISERABLE~ BECAUSE THE FILM I WORKED SO HARD TO SEE DID NOT WIN.
(RJ) You fucked up your moment
(CW) He sold her out
(RJ) Amazing. I love it.
(RJ) Anne, you fucked up your moment, and it was just a Golden Globes moment
(RJ) And then you went and made it about you.
(RJ) This was not her turn to do this
(CW) She fucked up her moment and his moment
(RJ) Yeah. You cry about that shit in the press room.
(RJ) "Jeez, we gotta wrap up already?" YEAH, YOU ARE NOT THAT INTERESTING. SO BE CRAZY OR GET OFF THE STAGE.
(CW) Jessica Chastain looks like Ariel
(RJ) YEAH. Bin Laden hunter Ariel
(CW) This speech is charming. Ariel, you are singing a siren song and I am falling in love with you.
(CW) I hereby dedicate all tonight's awards to grandmothers.
(RJ) Yeah, this is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
(RJ) DDL duhDL
(CW) I bet if Abraham Lincoln were there, people would be less excited than they were for Bill Clinton.
(RJ) I think you're absolutely right.
(RJ) I feel like if you're going to get to be up there again, as DDL is, you hurry up and shut up. Every time he acts, he wins.
(CW) When people have long gaps in their speeches, I feel like I do when playing Taboo with my friends.
(CW) Like "OHMYGOD, SAY A WORD, SAY ANY WORD"
(CW) I get so nervous and angry
(RJ) It's really hard when the clue is "quicksilver imagination."
(RJ) So Honey Boo Boo just started taping on TLC and TLC HD, which changed the channel. I missed the end. I know Argo won.
(CW) That's a perfect end, to be honest.
(RJ) This was the best awards show I ever saw.
(CW) This was great: a lot of things were weird, the hosts were good when they were around, one major teleprompter malfunction, and finally a win for America's underdog hero. Hello from the Underclass: Lena Dunham.
(RJ) Jodie was here.
[Image via Getty]