Last night, Hollywood had its first dress rehearsal of the awards season: the Golden Globes. As with most rehearsals, a lot of shit went wrong: audio cut out, teleprompters malfunctioned, and several women grabbed the microphone to scream crazy things into it; in another era they might have been burned as witches.
Missed the show (AND the Gawker liveblog)? Here are the seven things you need to know about it, in order to function in polite society.
1. Fey and Poehler Were A+ Hosts
America loves Amy Poehler and Tina Fey for proving, despite countless Bravo reality shows to the contrary, that white women can be friends. Celebrities love them because they're biting but not too mean. They delivered like Domino's Sunday night.
Like cool moms hosting a sleepover, Fey and Poehler popped up every once in a while to check up on the show, but mostly they left well enough alone and let it proceed as it would. A lot of their gags were strictly visual: Fey nervously clasped hands with Jennifer Lopez and Poehler nuzzled with George Clooney when they were announced as nominees for Best Actress in a TV comedy (neither won); early in the night, both women appeared separately costumed as fake actors from fake films, sitting in the audience with real nominees. Everyone had a nice time and no one had to call their mom to pick them up early.
What everyone will be talking about: The first gasp of the night came when Poehler said of director Kathryn Bigelow "I haven't been following the [Zero Dark Thirty] controversy … but when it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron."
What you should bring up: When a pretend-drunk and bitter Fey slurred to Lena Dunham, who had just beaten her for Best Actress "Glad we got you through middle school, Lena."
2. Jodie Foster Came Out Definitely as Bonkers, Sort of as a Lesbian
The most whatthefuckable moment of last night's show was unquestionably Jodie Foster's 7-minute ramble through a bramble patch of thoughts. She opened her acceptance speech for the Cecille B. DeMille lifetime achievement award with a quote from an SNL skit ("I'm fifty!") and went on to pretend she was going to come out as gay, then say she'd already come out, then talk about how much she loved privacy, then talk about dogs' hearing, and who knows what else. The speech was odd in that, while clearly carefully practiced, it was also utterly incomprehensible.
What everyone will be talking about: At the end of the speech, it sounded like Foster was quitting acting. ("I may never be up on this stage again. On any stage for that matter.") She later said that she wasn't.
What you should bring up: Although it sort of sounded like it from Foster's speech, Foster's mom is not a restless ghost. She is alive.
3. The Teleprompter Broke
There is no more invigorating span of seconds in an awards show than that moment when the teleprompter breaks, and the actors who normally seem so smooth are left approximating speech sounds with wide saucer eyes. "Ger…flant un a bos tum…blape." Last night's victims were Paul Rudd and Salma Hayek.
What everyone will remember: Paul Rudd eking out an awkward "Hello" in the middle of 20 seconds of nervous silence.
What you should bring up: When Salma tried to improv the dialogue. "Something about the best…" At least she knew she was giving away the best something.
4. Anne Hathaway Found New Ways to Make America Hate Her
Anne Hathaway took home the Best Supporting Actress award for her turn in Les Misérables, and people were furious at her for existing. Most of last night's vitriol was directed at her acceptance speech, which, while obviously a fastidiously rehearsed emotional monologue, seemed intended to sound off-the-cuff. She also opened it with a Liz Lemon-esque exclamation of "Blerg!" which rubbed some people the wrong way because only they are Liz Lemon.
What everyone will be talking about: "You know who I hate? Anne Hathaway."
What you should bring up: When Les Misérables won for Best Picture, Anne immediately hopped on the microphone to finish her best supporting actress speech ("I forgot to thank…"), and was swiftly thrown under the bus by her producer ("I haven't forgotten to thank anyone because I haven't started yet.").
5. Bill Clinton Was There
He took the stage to introduce Lincoln. He received a standing ovation.
What everyone will remember: "Tommy Lee Jones is not amused," a gif-able moment that occurred when Will Ferrell and Kristin Wiig did a bit that involved disrespecting the sacred art of acting.
What you should bring up: Bill Clinton was there. Al Gore's former roommate Tommy Lee Jones was there. Who didn't invite Al Gore?
6. Lena Dunham Was Less Annoying Than Anne Hathaway, But Liiiiike…
Riff raff street rat Lena Dunham took home awards for Best Actress in a TV Comedy and Best Comedy Series for Girls. Things got off to a weird start when she did an exaggerated awkward hobble to the stage, leading some to speculate she had pulled an Al Roker in her underpants, or had not practiced walking in her heels before this very moment. On stage, she read directly from a prepared speech without ever looking up. It was a nice speech, but the effect was very "My name is Lena and my report is on the Maori people of New Zealand."
What everyone will be talking about: She thanked Chad Lowe (Rob's younger brother) in her acceptance speech as a joke; Hilary Swank forgot to thank Lowe (then her husband) when she accepted her Oscar for Boys Don't Cry in 2000.
What you should bring up: Lena Dunham's brown dress was designed by her old babysitter. Zac Posen.
7. An Old Woman Hit on Bradley Cooper
Dr. Aida Takla O'Reilly, the President of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, delivered a charming, whimsical speech in which she informed the audience she soon "would be disappearing into the Delta twilight" and confirmed they didn't know who she was. Gawker's own Rich Juzwiak was mesmerized by her, as were all present.
What everyone will remember: When she located Bradley Cooper in the audience and told him "Call me maybe."
What you should bring up: When she breezily dissed DreamWorks CEO Jeffrey Katzenberg in the middle of her speech.
BONUS SHADE: Taylor Swift Hates Adele
This was Swift's reaction to Adele's acceptance speech, after Adele beat her for Best Original Song. (Adele wrote and sung James Bond's "Skyfall" theme; Swift contributed a tune to The Hunger Games). Adele's acceptance came off as genuinely humble and surprised, rather than cartoonishly so. Taylor Swift was furious.
[Teleprompter, Hathaway, and Aida Takla O'Reilly videos edited by Rich Juzwiak; all clips courtesy NBC // Image via Getty]