Megan Fox Speaks In Tongues and Is Symmetrical: an Analysis of Esquire's Terrible Profile

Megan Fox is a cuckoo clock rooster crowing "Wack-a-doodle-doo" at the midnight moon, and still the primary focus of her new Esquire profile is that Megan Fox is pretty.

The following is just a brief sampling of the dozens (hundreds? thousands?) of insane things Megan Fox says to the magazine this month:

"I've read the Book of Revelation a million times. It does not make sense, obviously. It needs to be decoded."

"When war breaks out in the Holy Land, like it is right now, if that is a sign of the immediate end times, then where are the other signs?"

"[Speaking in tongues] feels like a lot of energy coming through the top of your head. I'm going to sound like such a lunatic - and then your whole body is filled with this electric current."

Over the course of roughly 2,400 words, the actress reveals that she believes in aliens. She believes in leprechauns. She keeps a giant "red-and-gold Byzantine icon of a crucified Christ" surrounded by "rows of white candles" in her hallway. She is a Pentecostal church-goer who has been speaking in tongues since age eight, and she believes this glossolalia (generally regarded by linguistics as gibberish) is "the language that's spoken in heaven."

All this, and still the main takeaway in Stephen Marche's profile is that Megan Fox is pretty. Not even pretty, actually, but very symmetrical.

The symmetry of her face, up close, is genuinely shocking. […] It's not really even that beautiful.

The piece opens with Megan Fox and Marche "discussing" an Aztec ritual ("Megan Fox is not an ancient Aztec," we're told) in which a "perfect youth" is sacrificed to the gods of heavy handed metaphor as retribution for Megan Fox's (relative) beauty and celebrity.

This discussion, we are informed, takes place "deep in [Fox's] house," a phrase that suggests, perhaps, that Megan Fox lives in the famous "Winchester Mystery House," a maze-like Queen Anne-style monument to paranoia, boasting some 160 rooms. Later, it becomes clear she's just in her basement.

Megan Fox is attractive, Marche explains. She is attractive in a way that is physical. Many people know about her because of her physical attractiveness. She is more attractive than Lena Dunham, Adele, Lady Gaga, and Amy Adams (poor Amy Adams):

Lena Dunham and Adele and Lady Gaga and Amy Adams are all perfectly plain, and they are all at the top of their field.

Yes, she is quite attractive indeed.

Unfortunately, every time Megan Fox attempts to peel back one of her attractive, symmetrical layers to show the hometown Florida crazy that lies underneath, the profile jumps back—trips over itself—to remind us that she is famous and also attractive.

"She believes that people are inherently bad," begins one paragraph and, wow, that's an interesting, bold stance for a starlet to take. Let's hear more about that.

"When she read about the nanny who allegedly murdered two young children in New York, she fired her own."
Holy shit – this is great stuff. How did that happen? Did she do it the same day? What did she say to her nanny? What did the nanny say to her?

We never find out. From there, the narrative jumps to a boring explanation of how she kept the birth of her son private. (She just went to the hospital and had a baby and then told everyone, but not right away.)

WHAT ABOUT THAT FIRED NANNY?

Maddeningly, Marche wraps things up with a series of half-quotes, any of which, if pursued to their inevitable crazy conclusion, would have made for more interesting reading than endless variations on the theme of Megan Fox owning her prettiness.

"Loch Ness monster - there's something to it...."

"There's the Bell Witch..."

"We should all believe in leprechauns. I'm a believer...."

With that, the profile ends as it began: suffocating under the weight of a giant honking metaphor.

In the ancient story of the flood, Noah and his family are the only ones who escape the general destruction of the corrupt world.

Megan Fox's son's name is Noah.

IT'S A METAPHOR.

[Esquire // Image via Getty]