How to Tell if Your Friend's Girlfriend Is Not Real: A Lesson from the Manti Te'o FiascoS

Everyone was tricked into reading about sports yesterday, after the inspirational story of one college football star suddenly became so riddled with holes, plot twists, and BIG REVEALS, it would not have felt out of place as a character arc on Gossip Girl: Season 2.

By now, we all know that Notre Dame senior linebacker Manti Te'o's girlfriend "Lennay Kekua," who supposedly died earlier this year after leading a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad life in which tragedy after tragedy constantly befell her, never existed. What we don't quite know yet is who knew what, and when. Did Te'o know? Did his family know?

Did his friends know?

The next time one of your bros—even if he is a best bro—casually mentions he "totally has a girlfriend; very pretty; very real," use this checklist to determine whether or not she actually exists.

If your friend has never met his girlfriend of one year...

...That girlfriend is: not real.

If your friend's description of his girlfriend never advances beyond a guy's vague idea of what a young human female might be like ("pretty," "likes white roses," "is my girlfriend")...

...That girlfriend is: not real.

If your friend's girlfriend "just loves giving blowjobs; if anything, her love of giving blowjobs has *increased* since we've been together"...

...That girlfriend is: not real.

If your friend's girlfriend has no birthday, place of birth, family, or friends...

...That girlfriend is: not real.

If your friend's girlfriend lives through a horrific car crash that leaves her "on the brink of death" and your friend doesn't carve out a day to visit her...

...That girlfriend is: not real.

If your friend places a lot of emphasis on the fact that his girlfriend of one year exists, is as real as a wish, is as real as love...

...That girl friend is: not real.

If your friend's girlfriend dies, but, prior to her death, gives your friend a pass on attending the funeral on the off chance he's got shit to do that day and really, some white roses and a couple interceptions is more than enough, thanks...

...That girlfriend is: not real.

If your friend's girlfriend gave your friend her phone number at a party...

...That girlfriend is: not real or it is 1996.

And once more, for clarity: if your friend has never met his girlfriend of one year...

...That girlfriend is: Definitely just not real.

[Image by Jim Cooke]