Actor and concerned parent Michael J. Fox likely sealed his son Sam's fate Wednesday evening, when he told a reporter from Vulture that he would not advise his 23-year-old to date Taylor Swift.
Fox was commenting in response to a joke made at last weekend's Golden Globes, in which host Tina Fey warned Swift to "stay away from Michael J. Fox's son."
Here's what Fox said:
"No. No... Just back off…I don't keep up with it all. But Taylor Swift writes songs about everybody she goes out with, right? What a way to build a career."
The actor added that if Swift came to dinner at his house, he "wouldn't even know who she was," but that it would hit him, later, after she released the inevitable post-break-up song.
"'Sam, You Piece of Shit.' Oh … that was the girl you brought home"
Okay, let's run through this hypothetical:
Michael J. Fox's son, Sam, begins quietly courting the eighth highest-paid musician of 2012, Taylor Swift. Following a series of intimate dates, the pair grow close enough that he deems it appropriate to introduce her to his family.
Sam's mother, actress Tracy Pollan, eagerly awaits the meeting; Sam has not looked this happy in a long time. His father, Michael J., refuses to speak to his son about his personal life and remains distracted throughout the meal preparations.
Finally, the big night arrives.
Although he does not know who she is, Michael J. Fox greets Taylor Swift warmly, so accustomed is he to breaking bread with strangers and vagrants who wander into his home.
As course follows course (oysters, cream of barley, roast beef), Michael delicately attempts to glean information about his guest.
"Have you any thoughts as to how you might go about earning a little money, Tyler?" he asks. "Are you a good typist? A whiz with sums?"
At the conclusion of the evening, Michael J. Fox escorts Taylor Swift to the door of his palatial abode and discreetly slips a $20 bill into her hand.
"I wish you all the very best," he says.
Swift and Sam break up a few weeks later for unrelated reasons.
One day, Michael J. Fox is wandering around Ralph's in search of horseradish ("Is it with the pickles? Is it something that needs to be refrigerated?"), when a song comes over the store speakers that catches his attention.
"Sam, you piece of shit," a young girl sings.
"That's my son!" Fox thinks.
And then he Knows.
But that day, though it will come, is not today.
For now, over in the Kingdom of the Shadows of the Midnight Sun, Taylor Swift's assistant brings her an iPhone on a decorative tin platter.
"Hey Sam," Taylor Swift types. "Heard yr dad doesn't like me lol. What's up with that? ;)"
Hey everybody, Michael J. Fox got in touch with me today and we are good. Thank you for having my back.— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) January 18, 2013
Taylor Swift and Michael J. Fox are fucking.
[Vulture // Image via Getty]