This past Saturday, the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino Las Vegas hosted the 30th annual Adult Video News Awards, a little modest event sponsored by True Love Waits. James Deen, the Promise Keeper next door teetering on the verge of crossover stardom for his upcoming role co-starring with Lindsay Lohan in The Canyons, won Best Male Performer. A delicate flower named Asa Akira brought home Best Female Performer. Lee Roy Meyers, the Saturday-morning cartoonist behind SpongeKnob SquareNuts, did not win Best Director—that honor went to Axel Braun, the Sunday-school teacher responsible for such nursery rhymes as Euro Nymphs and Boy Meats Girl (1 and 2).
Among the other wonderfully family-friendly categories as Best MILF/Cougar Release (an honor for animal activists) and Best Original Song (2012 winner "Stuck in Your Crack" was surely about sidewalks) was Clever Title of the Year. Past victors include 2012's Beggin' for a Peggin' (an underdog tale about the Mighty Ducks of Cribbage), 2011's The Devil Wears Nada (a biopic of the Spanish Anna Wintour), and 2010's Who's Nailin' Paylin? (an animated investigation into Home Depot's finances).
As to be expected, this year's nominees were all completely inoffensive and safe-for-children. Behold:
Clever Title of the Year
Asphyxia Heels the World, BurningAngel/Vouyer
Brooklyn Egg Cream on the Roxxx, Seymore Butts/Pure Play
Chocolate Covered Crackers, Black Magic Pictures
Chocolate Yam Yams, Black Storm/Monarchy/Vantage
Does This Dick Make My Ass Look Big?, Vouyer Media
Look Mom, My First Black Penis, Mike Hunt/Juicy
My Wife Caught Me Assfucking Her Mother, Devil's Film
Nice Shoes, Wanna Fuck?, Electric/Hustler
Occupy My Ass, Bobbi Starr/Evil Angel
She Plays a Mean Rusty Trombone!, Lethal Hardcore/Pulse
Show Me Your Shithole, B. Pumper/Freaky Empire
Somebody Shave Me, Zero Tolerance Entertainment
The Spit and the Speculum, Mike Adriano/Evil Angel
Subtle Fragrance of Her Private Parts, Swank/Pure Play
We Vow to Bang Black Beotches, Kelly Madison/Juicy
This year's winner is . . .
Does This Dick Make My Ass Look Big?
Occupy My Ass (a talking-donkey fable), we hardly knew ye.