While America was busy Monday watching live video of an elaborate party Barack Obama threw Beyoncé for no apparent reason, the rest of the world was captivated by a series of interviews given by Britain's brash little brother, the Party Prince, Harry.
Harry, known in his army role as Captain Wales, completed a tour of duty in Afghanistan this week, wrapping up a five month deployment as an Apache helicopter pilot and gunner. He conducted a round of media interviews to mark the occasion. The result was very..."r u serious?"
The most significant admission to come out of the interviews was Prince Harry's acknowledgement that he's killed in the line of duty ("Yeah, so lots of people have," he said. Elsewhere: "Take a life to save a life.")
Weighty, but pretty standard army stuff. Things only got weird when, for whatever reason, Harry — who presumably grew up with the best tutors and speech coaches money could buy — began expounding upon his theory that he's good at army because he's kick-ass at FIFA, the soccer video game series:
"It's a joy for me because I'm one of those people who loves playing PlayStation and Xbox. So with my thumbs I like to think that I'm probably quite useful."
"You can ask the guys: I thrash them at FIFA the whole time."
(The Taliban has already condemned Harry's comments, with a spokesman observing that the Prince "has probably developed a mental problem.")
In fact, that was kind of the unspoken theme of the interviews: for a prince — a 28-year-old prince (or even a 14-year-old prince) — Harry is remarkably poorly spoken.
Like, Justin Bieber could tutor him.
Like, this boy dumb.
Here are the highlights from his media blitz:
His Royal Highness Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Wales on academia:
"Exams were always a nightmare, but anything like kicking a ball around or playing PlayStation—or flying—I do generally find a little bit easier than walking, sometimes."
His Royal Highness Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Wales on selecting a suitable candidate for marriage:
"You ain't ever going to find someone who's going to jump into the position that it would hold. Simple as that."
His Royal Highness Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Waleson being photographed cupping his genitalia in Las Vegas:
"Probably a classic example of me, you know, probably being too much army and not enough prince."
His Royal Highness Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Wales jubilant at his avuncular future:
"I literally am very, very happy for them..."
His Royal Highness Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Wales on the privacy of being a mother-to-be? The privacy of necessary protection? His Royal Highness Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Wales on something:
...but I just only hope that she and him - but mainly Catherine - hopefully that she gets the necessary protection to allow her as a mother-to-be to enjoy the privacy that that comes with.
The other big revelation to come out of the interviews was when Harry implied that he reads everything written about him, though his father tells him not to. Which means he's probably reading this right now. Hi Harry!