What do you get when you combine the volatile tempers of professional chefs, the developing fine motor skills of children, and knives, knives, dozens of knives whirling through the air?
High quality television.
Fox's MasterChef has reportedly put out a call for aspiring chefs and boogerheads between the ages of 8 and 13 to star in a scarring children's edition of Gordon Ramsey's summer TV paycheck.
"Perhaps you know a kid who regularly cooks dinner for her family, or your nephew dreams of one day working in a Michelin-starred restaurant or your child has knife skills to match the professionals?"
The announcement was initially published on the blog of MasterChef casting agent Lucy Lean, though the post has since been deleted from her site. Fortunately the call was preserved in full by the folks at Eater.com.
Besides placing an unnerving emphasis on the mandatory possession of "knife skills" (your child should view knives not as dangerous tools to be avoided but as cold friends of steel longing for flesh's warm embrace), the announcement also makes it clear that your pussy kid better not cry when Gordon Ramsey screams in her face that Santa Claus died of food poisoning because the chocolate chip cookies she prepared for him were FUCKING INEDIBLE.
"[Ideal candidates] won't be intimidated when quizzed them on the doneness of their soft boiled egg or the sear on their scallops."
Eater notes that Bravo's Top Chef Junior (featuring teenaged contestants) never made it to air when it was proposed in 2008, probably because the only teenagers anyone wanted to see on television in 2008 were the beautiful 28-year-old ones on Gossip Girl.
But times have changed. Contestants who were just young enough to make Bravo's cut back then are now far too old for Fox's version, so if the plan was to keep out just those specific kids: nailed it.
Time to start berating your kids' "feeble attempts" at breakfast in bed.