Are you there, God? It's me, German Soldiers. I'm growing breasts on one side of my body. Let's rap about that.
According to a report in the Cologne Express (link in German), soldiers from Germany's elite Wachbataillon military unit have found their bodies changing in ways many of us have not experienced since Girl Scout camp: they're growing boobs on the left side of their bodies.
The condition is called gynecomastia. Doctors believe the condition is developing due to a drill that requires them to slam their rifles into their chests, thereby stimulating unusual hormone production.
In other words, German soldiers are growing man-boobs ("Männerbrust") because they can't stop hitting themselves.
Stop hitting yourselves, German soldiers. Stop hitting yourselves. Stop hitting yourselves.
"There is a very significant link between the activity in the Guard Battalion and the development of the breast on the left side. They need to change the way they drill. The constant slamming of the rifles against the left hand side of the chest is clearly a significant factor."
The military reportedly plans to research the condition further and alter the drills if necessary.
No trips are planned to Victoria's Secret because that place is for fast girls.