If there is one national mystery we have not yet gotten to the bottom of yet, it is planes: What's up with them? They're so large, and yet they fly. It's a shady business. But Business Insider's Henry Blodget, the internet's greatest troll-savant and self-taught expert in anti-Semitism, has been on a few of them (specifically, two) lately, and he knows some things about planes.
We now present to you a guide to the deal with airplanes, courtesy of Henry Blodget. This is what's happening up there.
- Huge-ass wings: The secret to flying. Our expert explains:
See? Now the wing's holding the plane up. And all that weight has bent the wing-tip up. (Sort of. Really, it's the lift the wing is creating that is lifting the wing tip up).
- Pillows: Sometimes unwrapped. Sometimes hairy. Usually free:
I got a free pillow.
Fig 1.: Hair on pillow.
- Electric outlets: Sometimes available. Sometimes, not available. Previously, just unavailable!:
(Back in the 1990s, when I lived at 35,000 feet, they didn't have plugs. You had 2 hours to work. Then you were done.)
- Space: Not a lot of it. Other times, oceans of it. What is to be done when there is not enough space?
- Food: Available. Specifically, there is pasta:
I'm not going to say it was the best pasta I've ever eaten, but it certainly wasn't the worst.
Tortellini in cheese sauce.
With some tomato sauce, too.
And not-terrible steamed broccoli.
Bottom line, it was totally fine food.
I was hungry
Fig. 2: Certainly not the worst pasta Henry Blodget has ever eaten.
- Seats: They're what you sit in. Also, though, they're inscrutable:
See all those buttons? They all drive parts of the seat. You'll be halfway across the North Atlantic before you get the hang of it.
- Creepy men taking creepshots of you while you sleep: Something to fear.
- Nuts: Delicious. You can always count on nuts. Nuts and planes are like peas and carrots. Except for these nuts:
Time to chow down on some nuts. (Too sweet—some strange yogurty coating on the cashews).
- Henry Blodget's nuts: Present. Very, very present. Too present. So present that you should promptly cancel all future plans for flying.
Fig. 3: Henry Blodget's nuts.
Nothing can be done to explain the deal with Henry Blodget.