A couple weeks ago, when Barbara Walters slipped and cut her head while leaving a party at the British Ambassador's house, we were all secretly jealous of her because knowing British people is so fancy.
Now it has been revealed that Walters is more than just an elegant drunk woman with poor balance; she's also a medical marvel who has contracted chickenpox at 83.
Not shingles, the disease that occurs when the chickenpox virus is reactivated in adults. Regular, itchy dot chickenpox. (She never had them as a child.)
According to medical experts, the fact that she's contracted chickenpox now makes Barbara Walters A FREAK OF NATURE.
A physician who specializes in geriatric medicine at the University of Pittsburgh (and who's not treating Walters but probably would very much like to meet her because who wouldn't), told USA Today that medical literature documents "only a handful of cases" in which people older than 60 contracted the bloody pox.
Barbara Walters hasn't been 60 for more than two decades now. She can barely remember her naïve, carefree sixties. The chickenpox vaccine wasn't invented until Barbara Walters was 65, and, even then, it was thought of as the devil's dealings.
We don't even know how chickenpox affects people in their 80s. Maybe it's great for them. Maybe it's like an invigorating facial scrub. The data simply does not exist. The data is Barbara Walters.
ABC-News says that Walters is expected to be released from the hospital soon.
She can never be ended.