The Dr. Frankenstein who wrought Kate Middleton's infamously terrible official portait upon the world has finally been negged into submission: driven mad by the endless bad press, he has created a second, lovely portrait in black and white.
But he won't let anyone take pictures of it.
After the initial painting was unveiled (the duchess pretended to love it because you're there, the photographers are there, and you've already rented the big red curtain from the curtain-rental place, so what are you gonna do?), artist Paul Emsley faced a savage barrage of criticism from people with eyes who hated it.
In The Independent, her cheeks were "hamsterish." A columnist for The Washington Post described the picture as "terrifying." Basically, if there were adjectives that could convey the sensation of vomiting up stomach bile, people used them when describing this smiling portrait.
In response, the Washington Post explains, he literally went back to the drawing board, creating new sketches to see if there was anything he should have done differently, like not make Kate Middleton look haggard as fuck.
The result, apparently: indescribable beauty.
Here's how the paper describes That Which Cannot Be Photographed:
This time, it was the way the duchess's devoted followers so often see her in glossy magazines and airbrushed photos. Flawless. Glamorous. The fairy-tale beauty who bagged a prince.
Emsley says drawing the new picture only made more certain that the initial portrait was his best.
He refuses to let the second version be photographed; instead, he'll will keep it "for private purposes" at his studio.
Of course he will. Who wouldn't want that version in their office?
It sounds way hotter.