This Sunday, millions of Americans will watch two siblings square off, blood against blood, as they attempt to achieve the single most important goal of their lives.
That's on E!, which will be airing a marathon of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami reruns. The Super Bowl is on too. Here's a guide to what else you can watch if you get bored with those two things.
Note: The Super Bowl will begin at 6:30 p.m. on CBS. The Beyoncé Super Bowl Halftime Experience Starring Beyoncé Featuring Beyoncé should start around 8 p.m.
If You Read Playboy "for the Articles"
Bob's Burgers; The Cleveland Show (7:00 p.m. & 7:30 p.m. on FOX)
Maybe you also enjoy football "for the Thanksgiving"? For reasons that are unclear, FOX is airing the Thanksgiving episodes of Bob's Burgers and The Cleveland Show opposite the game.
If Your Favorite Thing About Football is Cheerleading and Your Favorite Thing About Cheerleading is High School:
Bring It On: All or Nothing (6 p.m. to 8 p.m. on ABC Family)
Psych yourself up for Beyoncé's halftime performance by watching her little sister Solange in her star turn as a hood cheerleader who takes no guff from Hayden Panettiere in the third installment of the Bring It On film series. Featuring guest appearance by Rihanna as an alternate-universe version of Rihanna who is eager to cast high school cheerleaders in her music videos.
High School Musical, High School Musical 2 (5:00 p.m. to 9 p.m. on the Disney channel)
Buzz Bissinger's gritty chronicle of one year in the life of an economically depressed Texas town's high school football team, set to a kicky pop beat.
If You're Feeling Nostalgic:
Rugrats in Paris: The Movie (8 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. on Nick)
In which a Japanese baby is added to the regular cast. Not to be confused with The Rugrats Movie, which had a superior soundtrack.
Home Alone (8:00 p.m. to 10 p.m. on ABC Family)
The haunting story of a child, abused by neglect, who lashes out at every adult he encounters. Featuring #2 Greatest Kid Star Macaulay Culkin.
If Your Whole Thing Is That You <3333 Puppies
Puppy Bowl IX (3:00 p.m. – 5:00 p.m., repeating until 3:00 a.m. Monday on Animal Planet)
The Puppy Bowl continues its annual tradition of growing exponentially more ridiculous, this year to the 9th power. In 2013, the broadcast will feature tutu-clad hedgehog cheerleaders and a puppy hot tub. If watching the two hour Puppy Bowl and then watching it again and then watching it again makes you feel a little empty inside, consider that, perhaps, just as on the field being adorable is ultimately not a substitution for athletic dexterity, so is "enjoys adorable things" likewise is not a substitution for a personality.
If You Want to Miss the First Half of the Super Bowl Because You Got Kinda Wrapped Up in Iron Man 2 and Lost Track of Time
Iron Man 2 (5:30 p.m. – 8:00 p.m. on FX)
The weird thing is, you didn't even think you would be that into Iron Man 2. You just started watching it to kill time until the Super Bowl. But then it was actually pretty decent. Did you know Don Cheadle was in it? Like, maybe it wasn't as good as—WAIT WHAT TIME IS IT?!
If You'd Like to Lose a Guy in 10 Days:
Downton Abbey (rerun at 8:00 p.m.; new episode at 9:00 p.m. on PBS)
Laura Linney stars in the introduction to this soft-spoken British period drama that examines the complex social hierarchy of the inhabitants of a fictional Yorkshire country estate. Set in the post-Edwardian era.
Sex and the City 2 (5:00 p.m. to 8 p.m. on TBS)
Carrie loses her passport and, briefly, her groove; finds both. Montages interspersed.
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (7:30 p.m. to 10 p.m. on Bravo)
A romantic comedy in which a journalist (Kate Hudson) prompts a man to break up with her by making him watch a poorly-reviewed 2003 movie on Bravo during the Super Bowl.
If You Want to Watch The Golden Girls
The Golden Girls (9 a.m. to 3 a.m. on Hallmark AND 12:30 p.m. to 12:30 a.m. on WE)
Always don't not be watching The Golden Girls.
If You Want to Watch a Show That Actually Sounds Really Interesting Maybe I'll Watch It Too and Then We Can Discuss:
Frontier House (6:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. on the DIY Network)
This reality series follows three families as they attempt to live as homesteaders facing a harsh winter in the state of Montana on the frontier in 1883. Based on the production notes printed on Wikipedia, it sounds like a ton of stuff went wrong during filming. The families competed, cheated, and fought with each other and among themselves. There wasn't even a prize! So why were they competing?
Here are summaries for two of Sunday night's episodes from TV Guide:
The families face a huge challenge; the Clunes continue to break the rules.
The children prove their worth; lions, coyotes and bears frighten the pioneers.
This show sounds incredible. It originally aired on PBS.
If You Have Big Orange Boobs and No Scruples
Snooki & JWoww (6 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. on MTV)
Via TV Guide:
8:00 p.m. "Last Call at Club Uterus": Snooki goes into labor early; JWoww's dad hits on one of her friends at a family barbecue.
If You Went to Drama Camp and Are Now a Campy Adult
Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? (8:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. on the Lifetime Movie Network)
A TV movie so bad even Lifetime is forced to market it as a "cult classic." Stars Tori Spelling as a girl with an eating disorder. AND A BOYFRIEND WHO WANTS TO MURDER HER. 1996 at its finest.