Groundhog King Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Early Spring

The King of the Groundhogs "Punxsutawney Phil" was awoken at the ungodly hour of 7:28 this morning, groggily emerging from his harem filled with lady-groundhogs ("Who are the lady groundhogs, anyway? Us? Are we the lady-groundhogs?"), and did not see his shadow, signaling to the absurdly-dressed array of Pennsylvanians that spring was well on its way.

His cousin to the north, Staten Island Chuck, agreed with him: "Who, Phil? Which Phil? I know a lot of Phil's." He ashed his cigarette on the ground and continued, "I didn't see nuthin'."

The groundhogs at the Weather Channel, however, foresee cold temperatures for much of the nation over the next couple of weeks. So back to the burrows for us all!