Daft Americans Pay More For the Privilege of Eating Less

The ongoing American obesity crisis has doubtless had a negative impact on our nation's health, appearance, and collective long-jump ability. And that's not all: it's also actually making us dumber. The latest evidence is irrefutable.

Ask any child, "Which is better, a lot, or a little, for the same amount of money?" And they'll answer, "A lot, obviously, what am I, a fucking idiot? Don't patronize the youth demographic." Alas, you know who can't figure this simple truth out? That's right—adult Americans, who are financially rewarding restaurants that give them less food. Unsurprising, perhaps; this is the same demographic of humans that spent millions of dollars on magical butt-toning shoes. Still, the success of the restaurant industry's blatant scam may shock you. A new report from the Hudson Institute finds that sales of the all-American french fry are down, while sales of "basically the same food we were selling before but less of it for the same price" are skyrocketing into the stratosphere:

In this landmark study, researchers examined NPD restaurant servings and traffic data, and Nation's Restaurant News sales trends, to analyze whether or not growing sales of lower-calorie menu items in 21 national restaurant chains, accounting for half of the top 100 chain sales, resulted in superior business performance...

The findings of this study clearly demonstrate that between 2006 and 2011 lower-calorie foods and beverages were the key growth engine for the restaurants studied. Restaurant chains growing their servings of lower-calorie foods and beverages demonstrated superior:
• Same-store sales (SSS) growth • Increases in restaurant customer traffic • Gains in overall restaurant servings

There you have it: offer American consumers less to eat, and they will reward you with more money. Whereas in previous generations, such a "counterintuitive" (meaning "stupid") proposal would have been perceived as restaurants snatching the leftovers right out of consumers' doggie bags, modern Americans are so unable to control their own mouth-shoveling that they are more than happy to pay premium prices for a lack of sustenance. What a strange, strange world we live in, as obese Americans.

Unrelated, I am opening a new "concept restaurant" where you Paypal me money and I give you nothing to eat at all. Luscious temptation!

[The full report]