Christopher Jordan Dorner, the 33-year-old ex-LAPD officer who allegedly killed a young Los Angeles couple on Sunday in revenge for his termination from the force, is only getting started, according to a rambling manifesto, alternately terrifying and bizarre, that he posted to Facebook earlier this week.
"The Violence of action will be HIGH. I am the reason TAC alert was established [...] Whatever pre-planned responses you have established for a scenario like me, shelve it," he writes. "Whatever contingency plan you have, shelve it. Whatever tertiary plan you've created, shelve it. I am a walking exigent circumstance with no OFF or reset button."
But beyond the apocalyptic threats, he also made room in his manifesto for a lengthy section in which he writes yearbook-like farewells to various celebrities, politicians and journalists —from Anthony Bourdain ("you're a modern renaissance man who epitomizes the saying 'too cool for school'") to Jeffery Toobin ("Hopefully Toobin is nominated for the Supreme Court and implements some damn common sense and reasoning") to Anonymous ("Anonymous, you are hated, vilified, and considered an enemy to the state. I personally view you as a culture and a necessity that brings truth to a cloaked world. Forge ahead!").
Todd Phillips, don't make anymore Hangovers after the third, takes away the originality of its foundation. [...]
Larry David, I agree. 72-82 degrees is way to hot in a residence. 68 degrees is perfect. [...]
Hanz Zimmer, William Bell, Eric Clapton, BB King, Bob Marley, Sam Cooke, Metallica, Rob Zombie, Nora Jones, Marvin Gaye, Jay-Z, and the King (Louis Armstrong) are musical prodigies.[...]
Charlie Sheen, you're effin awesome.
Dorner was removed from the LAPD in 2009, after the disciplinary Board of Rights found that he'd falsely accusing a fellow officer of kicking a suspect. (His manifesto opens with a lengthy description of his saga with the Board of Rights and the officer he accused, Teresa Evans, before moving on to a series of threats, followed by his goodbyes and thank yous.) On Sunday, the LAPD says, he killed Cal State Fullerton assistant basketball coach Monica Quan and her fiancé Keith Lawrence; Quan's father, retired LAPD captain Randy Quan, had represented Dorner during his Board of Rights hearing.
The manifesto is incredibly long, and difficult to read. Dorner seems to be a kind of deranged populist centrist of the newspaper editorial variety: his candidate in 2012 was John Huntsman; his favorite politicians are Hillary Clinton and Chris Christie; he calls David Gergen a "political genius." He complains about cyclists. He sounds like he could be a guest on Morning Joe, and unsurprisingly he singles out Joe Scarborough ("It was an honor conversing with you about politics") and Willie Geist ("you're a talented and charismatic journalist") for mentions in his set of goodbyes.
Even so, it's going to get picked apart by news shows. Here's a crib sheet for who's going to get blamed for what:
Talking Points for MSNBC
Dorner loves Chris Christie:
Gov. Chris Christie. What can I say? You're the only person I would like to see in the White House in 2016 other than Hillary. You're America's no shit taking uncle. Do one thing for your wife, kids, and supporters. Start walking at night and eat a little less, not a lot less, just a little. We want to see you around for a long time. Your leadership is greatly needed.
And George H.W. Bush:
The honorable President George H.W. Bush, they never give you enough credit for your successful Presidency. You were always one of my favorite Presidents (2nd favorite). I hope your health improves greatly. You are the epitome of an American and service to country.
He complains about "misandrist" "lesbians" on the LAPD:
Those lesbian officers in supervising positions who go to work, day in day out, with the sole intent of attempting to prove your misandrist authority (not feminism) to degrade male officers. You are a high value target.
Talking Points for Fox News
Dorner advocates for gun control:
If you had a well regulated AWB, this would not happen. The time is now to reinstitute a ban that will save lives. Why does any sportsman need a 30 round magazine for hunting? Why does anyone need a suppressor? Why does anyone need a AR15 rifle?
Mia Farrow said it best. "Gun control is no longer debatable, it's not a conversation, its a moral mandate." Sen. Feinstein, you are doing the right thing in leading the re-institution of a national AWB. Never again should any public official state that their prayers and thoughts are with the family.
Dorner is "not a fucking Christian":
He stated as good Christians we are to turn the other cheek as Jesus did. Problem is, I'm not a fucking Christian and that old book, made of fiction and limited non-fiction, called the bible, never once stated Jesus was called a nigger.
Dorner is pro gay-rights:
Ellen Degeneres, continue your excellent contribution to entertaining America and bringing the human factor to entertainment. You changed the perception of your gay community and how we as Americans view the LGBT community.
Dorner wants to "smash George Zimmerman's skull":
If you continuously followed me while I was walking at dusk/night I would confront you as well. Too bad Trayvon didn't smash your skull completely open, Zim.
Dorner loved Django Unchained:
Christopher Walz, you impressed me in Inglorious Basterds. After viewing Django Unchained, I was sold.
Talking Points for ESPN
Dorner thinks he is suffering from concussion-related brain damage from playing football:
If possible, I want my brain preserved for science/research to study the effects of severe depression on an individual's brain. Since 6/26/08 when I was relieved of duty and 1/2/09 when I was terminated I have been afflicted with severe depression. I've had two CT scans during my lifetime that are in my medical record at Kaiser Permanente. Both are from concussions resulting from playing football. The first one was in high school, 10/96. The second was in college and occurred in 10/99. Both were conducted at Kaiser Permanente hospitals in LA/Orange county. These two CT scans should give a good baseline for my brain activity before severe depression began in late 2008.
Dorner thinks Tim Tebow is a "great football player":
Tebow, I really wanted to see you take charge of an offense again and the game. You are not a good QB by todays standards, but you are a great football player who knows how to lead a team and WIN. You will be "Tebowing" when you reach your next team. I have faith in you. Get out of that circus they call the Jets and away from the reality TV star, Rex Ryan, and Mark Rapist Sanchez.
You can read the full Dorner manifesto at the links below.