Last Labor Day weekend, the incoherent children's movie The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure had the worst-ever debut opening for a movie in over 2,000 theaters. As educational and ugly as a Barney costume filled with sawdust, the movie cost $20 million and was directed by Matthew Diamond, the marketing mastermind behind Thomas the Train. With Oogieloves, his luck ran out.
The movie is an hour and a half of felt freaks scream-singing at each other, begging for the audience to scream-sing at the screen, attempting to find a bunch of lost balloons in the weeniest video game set-up of all time and interacting with hard-up celebs like Cloris Leachman, Jaime Pressly, Cary Elwes and, in a career nadir that has her moaning the ode to bed rest "Scratchy Sneezy Cough Cough," Toni Braxton. Its home-video release was this week. I watched it in hopes that it would be so bad it's good. It isn't. It's so bad it's infuriating. This is, hands down, the most annoying movie that I've ever sat through. Above is four minutes of lowlights; imagine sitting through 90.