Fielding Questions About 'White America'

We receive a great many emails here at Gawker headquarters. We cannot answer them all. But today, we can answer one of them. This morning, prominent email-sender Tony Caputo sent in a list of questions. Here are the answers:

Subject: WHEN IS???????????????

DEAR WHITE AMERICA:

WHEN IS WHITE HISTORY MONTH?

White History Month falls during the month of Flivvember, as it does every year. Please consult your official White Person's bedside calendar for further reference. If you have lost your official White Person's bedside calendar, please consult your official White Person's combination wristwatch and traffic ticket canceller. For further questions about official white holidays, please contact your local branch of the White IRS (the real one) by speaking directly into the drawing of a Founding Father on any piece of legal tender.

WHEN IS WHITE AFFIRMATIVE ACTION? THE BLACKS HAVE HAD IT FOR 50 YEARS NOW AND HAVE A BLACK PRESIDENT!

White affirmative action will begin in 2072. Please be patient. Next on the 50-year-affirmative-action docket are the Trobriand Islanders. They will give affirmative action to white people when it is their turn.

WHEN IS THERE GOING TO BE AN ALL WHITE BEAUTY CONTEST?

When the current reigning Queen of White Beauty dies. Currently she is in excellent health, has all of her original teeth, and living in the Mammoth Cave system of Kentucky. When the day comes that she feels death approaching, she will use her remaining powers to summon her former court to her side and announce plans to select America's next most beautiful white woman. Her bones will then be added to the collection behind Thomas Jefferson's eyes in Mt. Rushmore.

WHEN WILL THERE BE A WHITE CONGRESSIONAL CAUCUS?

When House Representative Steven King can hunt and defeat the white hart that entered into the hall of the Department Operations, Oversight, and Nutrition Committee on the feast day of St. Stephen's, and not a day before.

WHEN WILL THERE BE AN ALL WHITE COLLEGE?

When Ted Nugent finishes his dissertation and can present the board with a viable business plan.

WHEN WILL THERE BE A NAAWP?

Oh, I am sorry. This is uncomfortable. There is a NAAWP. They are not currently considering you for membership. Thank you for your interest.

DO BLACK POLITICIANS LOOK AFTER AND HELP ALL THEIR PEOPLE OR JUST "THE BLACKS"?

Neither; black politicians are all currently occupied with the building of Health Care City, a city where the streets are made of health care and the health care is made of reverse racism (and the reverse racism is made out of more health care).

WHEN WILL BLACK ERIC HOLDER ABOLISH "THE BLACK PANTHERS"?

Black Eric Holder cannot abolish the Black Panthers. The Black Panthers can only be abolished by the spirit of Shirley Chisholm after the last injustice has been righted.

DOES BARACK OBAMA BREAK ANY "CIVIL RIGHT LAWS"?

The current drone program is a distinct possibility.

WHO SPEAKS FOR WHITE AMERICA?

The Racist Lorax. The Racist Lorax is, perhaps ironically, fluent in over 20 major world languages, including sign language, so as to speak for White America more efficiently. The Racist Lorax also speaks for trees. (Truffula trees only. Non-Truffula trees need not contact the Racist Lorax for speaking engagements or other advocacy work.)

[Photo via Getty Images]