This Week in Straining Credulity: Five-Hour Coffee Enemas, Toni Braxton, and Forced Silence

Here are three things that have happened this week, in order of how difficult they are to believe. Depending on your own levels of credulousness, you may find yourself able to believe in them out of order. This is fine; the human condition is varied and complex.

Odd, Perhaps, But Easy to Believe

Toni Braxton, now that she's retiring from music, wants to play a lesbian in a movie, and she's not particular about which, either. Any lesbian will do. The kind that make out, the kind that do that whole thing.

"I would like to play a lesbian," she said. "I don't know why. And do a whole make-out scene and the whole thing; just something completely different than people would expect from me. Not a lipstick lesbian, either."

Difficult to Believe, But Stranger Things Have Happened, Certainly

A middle-aged Englishman named David Delahunty has been legally prohibited from speaking to women on the street for the next ten years.

The order bans him from speaking to any woman he does not know in a public place for the next 10 years, except in an emergency.

He said he walked up to a woman stranger at a bus stop, kissed her on the cheek and told her she was a "bonny lass".

He made lewd suggestions and falsely claimed he was a rapist who had just been freed from prison.

His legal defense consisted largely of "being from Liverpool," as his lawyer argued that Delahunty "had grown up in a big family in Liverpool where such "banter" was commonplace."

"David, will you pass the salad?"

"Yes, Mum; also, I've recently been imprisoned for sexual assault."

"You cheeky Liverpudlian! I just got out of jail myself, for stealing a thousand rabbits from a man without a face."

The Entire Lineup of TLC is Elaborate Performance Art and We Must Stop Being Taken In

The "coffee enema addicted" couple whose story is set to air on February 13th in the newest season of My Strange Addiction:

A Florida couple has a shocking way to get their coffee fix: through multiple daily enemas, which they administer to themselves in their home.

Mike and Trina of St. Petersburg (who haven't given their last name) are addicted to the icky process, they revealed to TLC. They appear on the season premiere of the network's "My Strange Addiction," set to air Feb. 13.

Neither of them drink coffee, but they sometimes spend about five hours a day flushing out their colons with fresh-brewed joe.

I have no trouble believing that some people perform coffee enemas. People will go to great lengths when motivated by a vague fear of toxins. But this particular story cannot be true, not only because a person would presumably die of a caffeine overdose somewhere around hour four of uninterrupted coffee enemas, but because it is impossible that the following exchange has ever taken place:

"It's funny how our personality goes into it. We have totally different styles," she continued.

"I like a finer, almost espresso grind," Mike said.

"I like it thicker, because I think it's not as messy and drippy," Trina added.

Many things have happened in this world since the first protozoa hauled itself out of the sea, but this simply cannot be one of them.

[Photo via Getty Images]