Lamest Thieves Ever Pull Off Lamest Heist Ever at Four Seasons Hotel

Early Saturday morning, a trio of thieves made off with $2 million in jewelry from a Jacob & Co. case in the lobby of Manhattan's Four Seasons Hotel. Although the New York Post insists on identifying the robbers as "slick," this wasn't exactly Ocean's Three.

With a getaway car in wait, two men approached a jewelry case in the lobby, broke the glass, and voilà: free fancy stuff.

This could be the best slash worst heist movie ever made. "We're going to need an expert: an expert at smashing glass. Then, get me a guy who can grab jewelry. I want the best in the business! And did I mention that both need to be very good at running away very fast? Finally, we'll need a third man—someone with a valid New York driver's license."

Says the Post:

They struck up a conversation with a hotel staffer about the Jacob & Co. case while concealing a sledgehammer, sources said.

"No—I'm just really, really, really, extremely happy to see you" is roughly how one imagines that exchange went.

Their task was made even simpler by what the Post calls a "shocking amount of faulty surveillance cameras" in the lobby. Though the Four Seasons may be one of the finest hotels in New York City, this is approximately what would happen if somebody robbed Fawlty Towers.

The supporting cast is equally fascinating. Jacob Arabo, owner of Jacob & Co., has designed jewelry for Madonna, Diddy, and other superstar clients—though his career was briefly interrupted in 2008 by a two-year imprisonment for his ties to a cocaine-smuggling and money-laundering ring. Arabo also goes by "Jacob the Jeweler," and—in "rap circles"—the "King of Bling."

And then there's Neil.

"I can't tell you nothing about nothing," said a man named Neil, who identified himself as hotel security.

I'll take that development deal in cash, Hollywood.

[Image via Getty]