Europeans Hate Cars

Europe, an expensive overseas cooking school populated by pussies, is still busy finding ever more outrageous ways to offend American sensibilities. First, it was the whole WWII thing, which we had to go straighten out ourselves. Then there was Monty Python. (Was he making fun of us? I think he was making fun of us.) And now, these Eurotrash types are too good to buy cars, all of a sudden.

New car sales in Europe in January fell to their lowest levels in almost a quarter century, since recordkeeping of such things began (before that, Europeans primarily rode upon the backs of elves). Don't be so naive as to think that this is a mistake. These people know damn well that America invented cars. These people are purposely trying to get our goat, by pissing on a symbol of American power, just like when they tried to change the name of Freedom Fries. What the hell is Europeanses problem?

Consumers have been slammed by recession, unemployment and government austerity measures. In many countries with good public transportation, driving is a pleasure rather than a necessity, and high joblessness among young people has the industry fretting that an entire generation will not adopt the car lifestyle.

Welllllllll, lah dee frickin dah, driving is just a pleasure over in the magical land of Europe, home of Heidi, who sells cheese from out of her sheepcart whilst taking her sweet time navigating the winding mountain road, and she sells cheese because she can't find a real job due to persistent economic depression. Isn't that so very special, for Europe? Please Europeans, by all means, take your sweet time learning to love cars—or don't ever love cars at all, just ride your excellent system of public transportation, your choice. Never buy a new car ever your whole life, as far as we're concerned. But while you're saving money, living sustainably, and serving as a model of transportation efficiency, I hope you just think, for a moment, about who you're hurting.

EMINEM.

Assholes.

[NYT. Photo: ach10/ Flickr]