When Michelle Obama debuted her bangs last month, America was like, "Ohmygod. Your hair..." and Michelle was like, "I just got it cut! Do you like it?" and America was like, "It's so...bangs," and Michelle was like, "Haha, thanks!"
Out of respect for Michelle, many people pretended the sight of her new bangs did not make them physically ill. Luckily, we can hate them openly now because Michelle has finally revealed that banging out was nothing more than a physical manifestation of her midlife crisis.
"This is my midlife crisis, the bangs. I couldn't get a sports car. They won't let me bungee-jump. So instead, I cut my bangs."
Hopefully this means she's planning to let the bangs grow out, and we'll speak no more of them until one day, ten years from now Sasha Obama's roommate Corinne will say something like, "When I was in sixth grade, my mom lived in our guest house for a summer. And then one day she just came home," and Sasha will cover her eyes and yell "Oh my GOD! My mom had bangs for, like, a month! It was so weird! I completely forgot about it."
Unfortunately for Michelle, abruptly cutting off (or growing out) your midlife crisis before it has completed its cycle is like waking up a sleepwalker: extremely dangerous (or possibly fine). Here are some more discreet ways for her to come to grips with her inevitable mortality once she gives up the fringe:
- Get a small tattoo of a butterfly on her lower back; chicken out halfway through; settle for undetailed moth
- Send a Facebook message to her high school boyfriend
- Take a bartending course
- Date one of her students
- Answer the door in a bra
- Whisper a secret to Scarlett Johansson
- Take a trip to the Virgin Islands (U.S.) with Dr. Jill Biden and her frenemy Felicia
- Cut the sleeves off Malia's christening gown and wear it as a crop top
- Start furnishing a secret nursery in the White House's private apartments; fill it with baby shoes she buys because they make her sad
- Come home one day with a full-grown dog and refuse to tell anyone where she got it
Have you had or are you currently having a midlife crisis? How is it expressing itself in your life?