A broken piñata shaped like a dinosaur. An HP LaserJet printer infested with bed bugs. An old, empty potato chip bag they found under the bleachers. All of these things would make for a better lay than Kristen Stewart, a millionaire movie star currently in her peak fertility age, according to a recent survey of British men.
The British web retailer MenKind (sort of an an online Spencer's Gifts) recently conducted a poll of its visitors, asking them to identify the least sexy blood-filled skin sacks this side of Vomville in honor of Oscar season. Here are the women that men who own $20 Superman grilling aprons least want to have sex with, in order from "NEVAAAAR" to "Maybe in the dark but don't tell anyone."
- Kristen Stewart
- Sarah Jessica Parker
- Lindsay Lohan
- Denise Richards
- Kirsten Dunst
- Mischa Barton
- Hilary Swank
- Lucy Liu
- Tilda Swinton
- Uma Thurman
Readers of this list may recall that The Famously Grotesque Kristen Stewart once found not one but two British men willing to have sex with her during the same time period. These men were heroes who sacrificed themselves for a nation.
Despite Kristen Stewart's soft young skin and kickin' bod, Robert Pattinson and Rupert Sanders lay down with her again and again. They satiated her ravenous apetite for the erotic favors of British laypersons, so that others might have the chance to sleep with women who were not deformed, accursèd beasts.
A spokesman for MenKind said that voters were "turned off by volatile and moody actresses," "ice queens," and women who were "unhealthily skinny." Other turn-offs include women who are beautiful and rich and sexy.
(Nationality of ghost unknown.)