Over the last hundred or so years, the FBI has developed a reputation for being kind of a serious place to work. Judging from a series of newly-leaked disciplinary memos though, many of its employees are no better behaved than those of your average drug cartel.
CNN has obtained a number of "confidential internal disciplinary reports", sent out to all Bureau employees in order "to aid employees in steering clear of ethical pitfalls and other violations." In other words, they are emailed lists of bad examples.
101 Hilarious Ways to Get Suspended from the Federal Bureau of Investigations.
FBI assistant director Candice Will explained to CNN that one goal of the emails was to quell a recent "rash of sexting cases," in which employees use their government-issued BlackBerries to text sexy photos of themselves to their coworkers, like any of us would if our jobs came with free phones. However, after reading through all activities laid out in the documents, it sounds like sending officemates pictures of their butts is among FBI employees' more minor hijinks.
Sometimes these guys just straight-up point guns at their dogs.
Here are the highlights of the reports:
The Employee Who Broke a Nook in Half, Then Pointed a Gun at His Dog
"During argument with spouse, Employee broke spouses e-reader in half and pointed unloaded gun at dog's head while dog was sitting in spouse's lap."
Penalty: 45-Day Suspension
The Employee Who Emailed Nude Pictures of Herself to Her Ex-Boyfriend's Wife
"Employee e-mailed nude photographs of herself to ex-boyfriend's wife. Ex-boyfriend and wife reported the incident to the local police. Employee failed to cease contact with ex-boyfriend and wife after twice being ordered to da so by supervisor and Chief Security Officer.
Penalty: 10-Day Suspension
The Employee Who Had a Fight with His Mistress, Tried to Charm Police Officers, Then Left His Family Without Telling Anyone
"Employee was involved in a domestic dispute at mistress apartment, requiring police intervention. Employee was drunk and uncooperative with police. Employee refused to relinquish his weapon, making it necessary for the officers to physically subdue him, take the loaded weapon, and place Employee in handcuffs. Thereafter, Employee took action to improperly influence the OPR process by contacting the officers involved to apologize in the hope that they would minimize his conduct when interviewed. In aggravation, Employee had a prior incident for similar misbehavior prior to joining FBI and, in a separate incident, had a temporary restraining order issued against him. Finally, Employee failed to timely inform supervisors that he had moved out of his former family home and had a new roommate."
The Employee Who Texted Naked Photos to Everyone in Their Office
"Employee used personal cell phone to send nude photographs of self to several other employees. In aggravation, Employee's conduct created office gossip and negatively impacted office operations. The Division advised that Employee's misconduct adversely affected the daily activities of several squads."
Penalty: 10-Day Suspension
The Employee Who Took an FBI Motorcycle for a Joyride (and Broke It)
"Employee drove Bureau motorcycle for a purely personal purpose while off-duty. [...While] misusing the Bureau motorcycle, Employee was involved in an accident that caused substantial damage to the motorcycle."
Penalty: 35-Day Suspension
The Kiddie-Porn Aficionado
"When caught in sting operation, Employee admitted purchasing and viewing DVDs of naked boys."
The Employee Who Used a Stranger's Debit Card to Fill Up His Car
"Employee used a stranger's lost or stolen debit card to purchase gasoline and attempted, on repeated occasions, to withdraw money from the person's bank account at two ATM machines. Employee was caught an surveillance video. Employee lied to the local police in the criminal proceedings and to investigators during the course of the administrative inquiry."
The Employee Who Was a Riff-Raff Street Rat
"Employee shoplifted from a grocery stare on several occasions. Employee was caught an surveillance video."
The Employee Who Bugged His Boss' Office and Stole Things From His Briefcase
"Employee hid a recording device in supervisor's office. In addition, without authorization, Employee made copies of supervisor's negative comments about Employee that Employee Iocated by conducting an unauthorized search of the supervisor's office and briefcase. Employee provided the notes to lawyer in support of lawsuit against supervisor. Finally, Employee lied to investigators during the course of the administrative inquiry."
The Employee Who Fell In Love With a Drug Dealer
"Employee engaged in a romantic relationship with former boyfriend (now husband) knowing he was a drug user/dealer. Employee also lied under oath when questioned during the administrative inquiry about her husband's activities. Prior to polygraph exam, Employee admitted husband's drug use, including being aware when she married him that he was a habitual drug user' who sold drugs to make money."
The takeaway? Pointing your FBI-issued firearm at your dog will get you suspended; stealing Fruit Loops will get you fired.
Peruse the full memo for yourself here: