Earlier this week, Prince Harry and a 24-year-old blonde reportedly got real weird and inappropriate at a dinner for Harry's uncle Andrew's 53rd birthday. In addition to making out with him hard for "several minutes," the Prince's guest also spent much of the evening perched on his lap (just a few seats away from his aunt and his cousin), according to witnesses. At the end of the night, a waiter brought around a tray of vodka and Red Bull for all the cool young people. The next morning, the couple savored their hangovers and a passionate embrace on the ski slopes.
Who is this blonde angel who has paddled ceaselessly against a raging tide of bluest blood to wash ashore on the lap of Prince Harry at a family dinner?
Here is your formal guide to Cressida Bonas:
Creh-SEE-duh or CRESS-id-uh?
CRESS-id-uh. You can remember this because Creh-SEE-duh is like "crostini," which means "little toasts" in Italian. Cressida Bonas is not little toasts; she's Prince Harry's girlfriend, CRESS-id-uh.
Cressida. Where have I heard that name before?
Perhaps you are the owner of the "inoffensive" and "tremendously capable" Toyota Cressida, a midsize sedan marketed by Toyota from 1976 to 1993. Perhaps in college you studied Shakespeare's unpopular play "Troilus and Cressida," whose titular Cressida is often characterized as "a whore." Perhaps you are a major fan of the 2005 Will Smith movie Hitch, which featured a minor character named Cressida. The name is derived from Greek.
I thought her name was Chelsy Davy.
No, you are thinking of Chelsy Davy, Prince Harry's on-again off-again girlfriend from 2004 to 2010. Cressida Bonas looks quite a bit like Chelsy Davy and the two even attended the same schools (Stowe followed by the University of Leeds). The main differences are that Chelsy is a few years older, from Zimbabwe, and a different human being.
So, this trick killed Chelsy Davy?
No. Chelsy reportedly made up her mind against pursuing a royal life after attending Prince William's lavish wedding to Kate Middleton as Harry's date. She is still alive.
I thought Harry was dating Pippa Middleton. How long has this been going on?
Prince Harry dating Pippa Middleton is a hypothetical scenario concocted by people who watched William and Kate get married, then wanted a matching set. Cressida and Harry were publically proclaimed an item after they were spotted getting freaky in a club (da club) following the premiere of The Dark Knight Rises in July. They're rumored to have begun dating as early as last May.
How did Prince Harry and Cressida meet?
Through Harry's cousin, Princess Eugenie (the sister of the girl with the hat), a close friend of Cressida's.
How much money she got?
She got at least $20, if she is the same "Cressida" who made a pledge on this fundraising webpage for her friend Princess Eugenie's charity bike ride.
Who is her family?
As you can probably tell by the eccentric names of her many siblings (Isabella Amaryllis Charlotte; Pandora Lorna Mary), Cressida's family is very old and fancy. Her mother was a Sixties "It" girl, and even appeared topless and slimy [NSFW] in a book of far-out chicks, titled "Birds of Britain." Her father is a rich guy whom a judge would not trust. One of her half-sisters (the one who Prince William tried and failed to date) is marrying Richard Branson's son in Africa next weekend. Prince Harry is expected to attend that wedding.
What does she do?
While some people would argue that modeling is not a "real" profession, that argument has no place here because Cressida does not even do that. In fact, it's unclear how she fills her days when not her mouth with Harry's tongue. She's taking dance classes, apparently. She studied Dance at the University of Leeds too. According to Tatler, she wears facepaint a lot.
Would she make a good princess?
Yes. A very, very good princess.