People get into acting for all sorts of reasons. Because they relish exploring the complexities of the human spirit; because they majored in Art History and are otherwise unemployable; because they lubba-lubba-love gift bags. Mostly it's the gift bags.
This Sunday night, after the lights have dimmed on the 85th Academy Awards and Oscar has crawled back into this trashcan for another year, many of America's most famous actors will get to pursue their passion for gift bags with $45,000 "Everyone Wins at the Oscars Nominee Gift Bags," provided by Distinctive Assets, a Los Angeles marketing firm.
Hopefully 9-year-old Quvenzhané Wallis will win Best Actress, because I saw an interview with her on The Today Show and she seems very sweet. She probably won't, though. Nate Silver has already predicted Best Actress will go to Jennifer Lawrence for Silver Linings Playbook.
So let's take a look at some of the stuff Quvenzhané Wallis (and all the losing nominees in the categories of Best Actor/Actress, Supporting Actor/Actress, and Best Director—plus Oscar host Seth MacFarlane) will get as a consolation prize:
The Vampire Facelift ($5,000), a procedure that puts acid in your face to make you look younger. Quvenzhané Wallis won't look a day over 8.
Heathrow by Invitation ($1,800), a private VIP service for dignitaries, heads of state, and "the world's most discerning travellers," like 9-year-old Quvenzhané Wallis.
Windex Touch-Up cleaner ($3.99), which offers Quvenzhané Wallis a fast and convenient solution to clean and sanitize the most frequently used surfaces in her home without missing a beat.
Hydroxycut Gummies and Hydroxycut Sprinkles ($50.00). All the weightloss of regular Hydroxycut in fun gummy and shaker-bottle styles for kids.
Naked Condoms (6 pack, $20.00). Shouldn't Quvenzhané Wallis' introduction to prophylactics be with "the finest condoms in the world"?
Bonita Platinum Tequila ($99.00). This premium tequila (manufactured by a company partially owned by Xzhibit) is distilled five times before bottling, making it smooth enough for even a 9-year-old's sensitive palate.
Hickies ($19.99). Yes, in addition to condoms and tequila, Quvenzhané Wallis will also be receiving Hickies, "an elastic lacing system that allows you to turn any shoe into a slip on ."
Le Petit Cirque ($400.00). It's not clear what exactly this gift consists of; its description says only "North America's only all-kid pro Cirque troupe," and its domain name expired on February 15, suggesting that, if nothing else, at least the website is run by children. $400 seems pretty cheap for a legion of humans, particularly if they are gifted acrobats, so the item is most likely a pack of tickets to a Petit Cirque show. Maybe Quvenzhané Wallis can go and make friends with a 10-year-old strongman.
SSSSSUUUUUGGGGAAAARRRR, in the form of Rouge Maple Gourmet Products ($120.00). Lots of syrup.
"A premium electronic cigarette with the look, feel and flavor of the real thing" by NJOY ($40.00).
Bracelets that double as hair ties by Duette ($80.00). Quvenzhané Wallis will probably be more excited by these (which are sparkly) than any other present.