Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Unless they get invited to a coronation or a really fancy funeral, the Oscars are the dressiest event most stars will ever attend. Whose beautiful gown will prompt Ryan Seacrest to shed his first, genuine tear? Who will wear pink even though they are a redhead? Who will forget the name of the lowly tailor who spun their jumpsuit out of gold?

We'll be picking apart all the hits and misses as the stars sidle down the red carpet.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Jessica Chastain's hair-colored dress has been overlaid with cobwebs and dusted with kitty litter for sparkle.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Amy Adams wears a thousand gray ghosts and no blood diamonds.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Channing Tatum is the World's Number One Dad and he is gonna ride Splash Mountain as many times as that child wants.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Quvenzhané Wallis brought a puppy purse named after her real-life dog ("Sammy") and seemed neither impressed nor unsettled that Ryan Seacrest knew her dog's name before she told it to him.

Th dog's crown matches her's; please make out all awards —tonight's and future ones — to "Lil Q."

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Jennifer Lawrence's graceful tanlines are sublime.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

"My, what nice eyes you have." - Jacki Weaver to Ryan Seacrest. It's super easy to imagine Jacki Weaver getting drunk at a party and falling out of her chair, then toppling a vexed Ryan Seacrest as she tries to get up.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Anne Hathaway is wearing a conservative '90s prom dress with visibile nipple.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Robot Naomi Watts goes nude but for two sleeves of a skin-like prosthesis.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Melissa McCarthy rode in an open-wheel go-kart to the 85th Annual Academy Awards.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Robin Roberts JUST got over cancer and is easily the fittest person at the Oscars. Sorry, Aniston.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Charlize Theron was unable to attend and sent her milk bath cast in her stead.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Jennifer Aniston spent her weekend dyeing a snow white dress red with virgins' blood. Low-key tie-dye party!

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Bradley Cooper. Here's Bradley Cooper.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Salma Hayek's boobs: Never more prominent than when they are hidden.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Jennifer Garner's dress has exploded but she's trying to play it cool, play it cool like when a little bird poop hits your shoulder and you hope no one notices.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Ryan Seacrest forced Dustin Hoffman to meet Joseph Gordon Levitt and no two men have ever hated Ryan Seacrest more than they did in that moment.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Kristin Stewart brought prop crutches so people would feel bad bitching about her poor posture.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Little Violet Beauregarde, still waiting on that wretched blueberry juicer all these years later.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Hugh Jackman's beard looks great tonight.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Halle Berry: Beetlejuice Glam, by Delia Deetz Designs.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Helen Hunt died in 2007 but she'll keep coming to the Oscars until someone notices.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Jamie Foxx and his daughter, an Aquarius.

Who What Wear?: The Best and Worst of the Oscars' Red CarpetS

Kerry Washington, a vision in barnacles.