The ripped-from-the-headlines plot of last night's Law & Order: Special Victims Unit was inspired by Chris Brown's 2009 assault of his on-again-off-again girlfriend Rihanna. Disingenuously, the episode opened with a disclaimer: "The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event." Perhaps this is the disclaimer for every episode of this godawful show, but it was particularly untrue last night as the show went on to reference Chris Brown's apology video, Chris Brown's bowtie, Chris Brown's dick pic, Chris Brown's duet(s) with Rihanna, Rihanna's request to relax the restraining order she was granted, the leaked picture of Rihanna's battered face, Chris Brown's tattoo that kind of resembles Rihanna's battered face and Chris Brown and Rihanna's voluminous social-media interactions. Look at all of those coincidences and marvel at their hilariously incompetent executions.

Even worse, at one point a character suggested that the single-named pop diva Mischa and the "bad boy" music star with the initials "C.B.," Caleb Bryant, should go on a double date with Rihanna and Chris Brown. They'd have so much to talk about, like what it's like being based on them.

Law & Order's Chris Brown was a rapper, of course. Though there was passing mention of the press' vilification of him stemming from him being a young, black male with the job he has, the show's actual writers went above and beyond its fictional press by turning him into a murderer who ended up killing both Mischa's producer and Mischa herself. What triggered the latter was his anger over her asking him about his text messages, something else that supposedly happened in real life.

It's rare that Chris Brown seems unworthy of whatever ire people fling his way, but suggesting that he's a burgeoning multiple murderer is slanderous. At the very least, it's a morbid prediction for Rihanna's future, as she's back with Brown. This only makes a garbage show — from writing to acting to the pretension that this isn't utter exploitation (did we really need a reenactment of this famous beating?) — a more pungent pile of garbage. Maybe it was an off-episode, but if it's like this every week, how the fuck do people tolerate it?

I will admit, though, that "beef cookie" is a really good insult that I will try to remember next time I need one.