Lindsay Lowdown: Lohan Wants to Become a Motivational Speaker; Judge Finds Her Lawyer 'Incompetent'S

The perpetual motion machine of Lindsay Lohan's legal saga groaned on this week as Lohan's new judge decried Lohan's new lawyer as "incompetent," and unfit to practice law in California. We also found out that Lindsay wants to become a motivational speaker.

The overall theme of The Week In Law with Lindsay Lohan was that Mark Heller is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad attorney who wouldn't know proficient legal representation if it walked up to him and filed a motion introducing itself in a timely, efficient manner in accordance with state procedure.

He tried to file a bunch of motions in her reckless driving case, all of which were denied. Then he kind of got yelled at.

The most important motion Heller filed was one to dismiss the charges against Lindsay, on the grounds that she was not properly Mirandized before police questioning. Los Angeles County Superior Court Judge James Dabney rejected this motion because it was not filed during Lohan's arraignment, as required by California law. (Also, she allegedly lied to police officers at the scene of the collision before she was taken into custody. As TMZ reports, there's no need to Mirandize people who were involved in a car accident when questioning them about what happened.)

The weirdest detail from that motion (which you can read in full at Radar) is that officers present at the scene of Lohan's accident noticed a water bottle lying by the side of the road that they believed either Lindsay or her assistant (slash passenger slash EX-BFF Gavin) had thrown out of the car before cops arrived. At first the officer who picked up the bottle believed it was filled with urine. Upon smelling it, he decided it might be wine. The contents of the bottle were never tested. So Lindsay Lohan may have been cruising around in her Porsche with a water bottle filled with either urine or wine. Something to meditate on tonight before dreaming.

In another motion, Heller asked the judge to delay Lohan's trial, one, so that he might have more time to prepare his defense and, two, so that she could undergo "intensive psychotherapy" sessions and dedicate some time to public service.

In a rambling letter to the prosecution sent earlier this week, Heller explained that Lindsay intends to give "inspirational talks" at schools and hospitals, in which she will "[encourage] children to pursue positive goals and avoid bad habits."

Don't ever bite your nails; it's unattractive, Lindsay will growl. If you eat too many carrots, you'll turn into a carrot. And then on her way out of the building she'll steal something small, like markers from a dry erase board or someone else's Nalgene bottle, and the rush will feel like a hit of morphine.

Around the same time he sent the letter, Heller informed the press that Lohan had had an "epiphany" and was looking to change her life. (MAKEOVER!)

Judge Dabner denied Heller's request to postpone the trial, saying that what happens in the future won't "suddenly…change the history of this case." So, March 18th it is.

He also slammed Heller as incompetent, and stated that, on the 18th Heller will either have to show up with an attorney who "has some experience in California law and procedure" who can assist him for the remainder of the case or that Lohan will have to waive her right to have "attorneys who are competent in California law and procedure." (Heller is only licensed in New York.)

Lohan was charged with misdemeanor counts for reckless driving, providing false information to an officer and willfully resisting, obstructing or delaying an officer.

In order to avoid trial on these charges and a probation violation (stemming from a 2011 incident in which she was charged with stealing a $2,500 necklace from a Venice, CA jewelry store), the L.A. Times reports that Lohan will have to agree to serve at least 90 days in "a lockdown rehabilitation facility."

Until next time, #YOLOLiLo.

[L.A. Times // Image via AP]